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She Almost Had Me At Maha

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December 2017 wanted to go out widda badda bing.

It did on Christmas Day.  'Cuz that's when I got this from a Canadian named Hadi Maha.

Ah ha.  Phffffffffffft.

Sounds more like a Three Stooges skit, but I digress:

Hi, My name is Hadiya Maha from Canada  Presently working in Dubai 
United Arab Emirate,I would like to have personal talk with you, I do  
promise to be a very good friend and partner


inbox me (and she included her email where to inbox her).

So my character did:

What's in YOUR box?  (with no apologies to Capital One..).


So not only is her name Hadi Maha, a Canadian that writes her name in Arabic for the International Monkeytary Fund, but she don't read responses in English any better than her templates are prepared:


My dear

How are you today? I like to be open, i am a woman that have seen life, i have been in the social circle for many years, It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but Care and expression, expression of the heart..

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most beautiful thing created by God, is never seen, only felt in the heart. I have been hardworking all my life now, i must think of something better, to enjoy my life and probably have a family ,maybe relocate and start investing in other things.

Anyway, i like to tell you little about me, My name is Hadiya Maha , 36 years, Am a Canadian ,born and raised in Ontario . l almost had a child but so Unfortunately  i  lost my only daughter at child birth. I love all sport activities but my favorite is Gulf  which am planing to take up competitions later on after I end my career as a banker.

 Am working as an Senior Audit/banker in Abu Dhabi , National Bank of Abu Dhabi  ( NBAD) . I was married but my Ex Husband got married to another woman, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since he accused me of been so busy with my work and the bank and its accounting/auditing, that i was not having time for him, but he refused to understand that i was pursing a goal, i told him that soon

i would resign and we have enough time for each other but he was impatient. But is over between us,I am happy alone because I have everything i need. This is why I think of relocating to your country to get into investment and maybe own a small company which i can be able to manage...Enough of myself, would you tell me more about yourself too????  I like to know you better, what you really do and your position in your work, your marital status and where you reside now.

i  love to hear from you soon and about you  



So she wants to hear from and about my character, do she?  What to tell her, what to tell her...*Jeopardy Theme music*...and then, like the monkey on the one-hit show Touched By An Anvil, it hits me:

How are you today? Better or worse than the day before?  I have always harbor a belief in karma, psychic rubix cube and the philosophy that a man has only so many breaths before the next fart, and then you come along into my life, and the quadrangle is complete.  When I last left my mentor and sock puppet manipulator, I was but the learner..now I am the master.

I find openness appalling, unless it's a void, whereby that's okay.  I am a man that have seen life, I have been in reviled in social circle for many years.  It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but whether or not you can field strip a Salad Shooter into something considerably more lethal in two minutes flat.  The rest will take care of itself with Kevlar and plenty of ducking.

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most obfuscational thing created by God on one of His off days. I have been hardworking part of my life, and a lazy sack of shit other parts of it.  After seeing the movies Kelly's Heroes and Die Hard, I must think of something better, to enjoy my life, avoid unwrapped Twinkees in construction areas and probably have a lengthy talk with a Jesuit therapist or something not very akin at some point soon, before I become a traffic light in Bangkok, or something other things like that.

Anyway, since you ask, I like to tell you little about me, My name is Jack Ewehoff, with a number of adult years thrown upon my youth.  I was born in the wagon of a traveling show, my mama danced with yaks for the money they'd throw, while Papa would do whatever he could...preach a little sex tape..rape a couple donkeys while roaring drunk.  I am by birth Liechtensteinian; I have lived in a number of countries, none of them untouched by war or flatulence.  I am currently living in Liechtenstein, where they speak a form of German not heard since Hogan's Heroes.  l might have had a child, but being the man that most mothers warn their daughters about, I'm pretty much relegated to inflatables or the Mustang Ranch.  And they have warrants for me there after that fateful night the yak was stalled on Runway number 2...I got off and ran like hell, and the plane ran over her-r-r, which they turned into a real corny song but it made teenage girls cry in the 1960s.


Now they cry when they hear "self responsibility" on college campuses.  Go figure.

I love all sport activities but my favorite is Mine The Gulf  which am planning to do to really piss off the Iranians after I end my career as a roving soldier of fortune.

 Right now I'm working in an unnamed Middle Eastern country known for camels, cous cous and perpetual strife.  I carry a mercenary firearm disguised like a Salad Shooter, so when the enema see me coming or hear me breathing hard, they think to themselves "oh, a celebrity chef!" and then I open fire and become Chef Con Carnage and Chef Boy R Dee Structive.  I also have a line of explosive prayer rugs that send Islamofascist prophets through the roof...yes, I know that's not original, but it still make me laugh, like Napolean Dynamite.


If you didn't see it, see it.  Pay close attention to the tater tots.

I was married but my ex wife got married to another woman after a visit to the Democrapic National Committee for a Gender Neutrality summit, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since I left ten million crotch crickets in the basement of the DNC as a result.  It's obvious some of them got to Nancy Bela Pelosi and Maxi Pad Waters, but I digress.

I do soon plan to resign this lifestyle -- I can't get any more replacement parts for Salad Shooters on QVC -- and come up with something even more bizarre, like snake rope levitation with a recorder that plays the brown note in busy shopping malls in Washington DC.  I am happy alone because I can buy whatever I want and never get asked questions like "is my butt fat in these jeans?", which if I answered truthfully, she'd have a headache for a year and a half. 


This is why I think of relocating to another planet to get into investment and maybe own a small company which markets one eyed one horned flying purple people eaters.

But enough of myself, since I think you asked me about that and are sorry now you did.

Would you like to travel with me to space, where we can circle Uranus, looking for Klingons or some other weird extraterrestrial thingamabob?  I like to know if you are as fucking weird as I am  Dammit ma'am, we've got six hundred and fifty planes.  And we've got radar...Churchill puts great faith in radar.

Let me know mores, and if you have another dog imitation.  


For the briefest of moments, my character thought that Maha had read and truly understood what had been done to her song, Ma...but that didn't turn out to be the case:


I wish you could be honest with me

 
HM

Hadiyya Maha <hadimaha360@gmail.com>

Star Wars 19???

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Relax...it may not be as bad as all that.

You'd of thought someone said "Trump!" to her or something.

Only in Scamland is there a rumor of a Star Wars XIX. 

A rumor my character put there after receiving this email from the Supreme Court of the Federal Republic of Nigeria:


Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/


Dear: Unpaid Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of payment verification / implementation committee I came across your name as unpaid fund beneficiary in the record of the central bank of Nigeria and other banks that are suppose to get your funds released to you. My committee was set up by the payment reconciliation committee to verify and scrutinize all outstanding debts owed to our foreign beneficiaries in accordance to the information received from the United States government and other countries over unpaid huge debts owed to Foreigners.

Having seen your file and my further questioning to the officials of the central of Nigeria bank and ministry of finance as to why your payment is still pending reveals the rot and corruption in the system. The bank officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your payment is due to your inability to pay for the required charges for transfer of funds to your account. When I asked them why they didn't deduct the said charges from your principal sum, I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to do so. When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that such charges could be deducted from your principal fund,the answer I got was no. Now, if you do not tell this beneficiary that such charges could be deducted from his or her principal fund, how will he or she know that such options are available for such beneficiaries.

From my investigation I discovered that these bank officials deliberately refused to let the charges be deducted from your principal fund because they want your fund to remain trapped in the bank, while they continue to extort money from beneficiaries under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to pay any money to any official, all you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria, authorizing the bank to deduct all charges from your principal fund and transfer the balance of funds after deduction to your bank account. If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for payment, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up. You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how you can get the deduction done as soon as possible and get your payment also.


In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/

Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites:http://supremecourt.gov.ng/
ATTORNEY GENERAL FEDERAL
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.  



In the course of the edit, some twisted individual of dubious thinkingcedence made a lame suggestion about...well, read it yourself:

 
From: Supreme Court of Nigeria <barrister_dandy@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, December 24, 2017 3:27 PM
Subject:FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

Supreme Court of Nigeria
Three-Arms One-Leg Zone
P.M.B. 308. Garki Abuja
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com

Dear: Unwashed Benephiserary,

This is to inform you that in the course of my investigation as director of the upcoming movie Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it -- slated for release in theatres in the sprung of 2020, I came across your name as an unauditioned wannabe in this movie. 



 WTbloodyF???  My casting call had already closed to verify and scrutinize all possible acting nincompoops this movie project would need, and here you come along.

 Having seen your portfolioid of pictures you somehow got of me leaving a Motel 6 in Newark with an inflatable Nancy Bela Pelosi sex toy at 3am -- that Al Franken bought from me for a burrito supreme -- and my further questioning to the other actors/actresses/gender neutralities there amongst, reveals the rot and corruption in the Hollywad system. The Beverly Hillbillies officials told me that the reason why you haven't received your invite to audition is due to your inability to do a sex scene with Debbie Wasserman-Medusa for the required cosmic mayhem scene just before the Death Star XI charges in to blow the living flying fish f**k out of Darfur, Aleppo, Deadtroit, or somewhere desolate that George Clooney will get on a jackwagon about for a few sound bytes because he doesn't like Trump and is still bent because Team America hosed his marionette. 
 

When I asked them why they didn't go ahead and audition you, they handed me a collection of your worst audition videos from Survivor, The Voice, American YouDull and a couple other shows that pretty much showed all, including your genital warts that I could have done without seeing.  I was given the flimsy excuse that you never authorized them to leave out your Dancing With The Stars audition of doing the mambo with an inflated version of Kim Kardashian's butt.  When I put the question across to them if they ever advised you that you could have been charged for the casualties that routine inflicted -- when the inflated Kardashian butt catastrophically deflated, wiping out the band and half the judges along with several dozens of audiences dismembered -- the answer I got was no, that the FBI and Robert Mueller were covering up for you because you had photos of them doing unspeakables with an inflatable Hellary, too.
 

Now, if you do not recall any of this happenings, we might have a part where you play a Hellary Clintonesque Evil Empire figure, demanding to know why she's not up 50% in the ratings or some such.  You also get to smash lamps and fall down a lot.

 From my investigation I discovered that no one outside of Nigeria wants this movie made under some flimsy excuse. You do not need to worry about what anyone says about you at pmsnbc or cnn, because their audience of a dozen are all fondling their goat parts and are not paying attention.  All you are required to do is swear to an affidavit at the federal high court of Nigeria that you did not actually refuse to do that sex scene with Wasserman-Medusa, since we're going to insert Jar Jar Binks into that slot anyway.
 

If you have spent any money in the past in your quest for getting the DNC to stay away from your hamsters, kindly let me know so that I can follow this up.
 

You can reach me on my phone or email for directive on how we can get your audition scheduled.

In case you doubt or want to ascertain whom I am, you can log into any of the following websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it/gov.ng/


 Yours sincerely,

Walter S. Nkanu Onnoghen.
 E-mail: chiefjusticeofnig@legislator.com
websites: http://Star Warts XIX -- The Phantom Cowtickler Has Gas And Isn't Afraid To Use it /gov.ng/
FROM THE ATTURKEY GENITAL FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA 
 
 
This drew no response from the Nigerian Supreme Court.  It was rumored to have triggered George Lucas to seek therapy for that court.
 
 

One can understand why...

Another Scam Pastor To Pasture

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Fake pastors are ever' where.  Especially online.

2018 sees no change in that.

Like this one:

GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY AND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST
THE GIVER OF EVERY GOOD THING.

GRACE TO YOU AND PEACE FROM GOD OUR FATHER AND THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

FIRST LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF. I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBAL
MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE CALLING FROM THE LORD
TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED AND IN FINANCIAL PROBLEM, BY GIVEN OUT
LOAN TO ANY, INDIVIDUAL, COMPANY'S AND SOCIETY THAT NEED MONEY TO DO
BUSINESS.

THE AMOUNT OF THE LOAN HAS BEEN SIGNED AND APPROVED BY THE CHURCH
COMMITTEE THE SUM OF US$20,000.00 (TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). WHICH
YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO LOAN. BUT YOU ARE TO RETURN THE LOAN WHICH
IS GRANTED TO YOU IN (ONE). YEARS AGREEMENT. INTEREST RATE: IN THE
LOAN WE OFFER IS 1% INTEREST RATE.

WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF (ONE) YEARS TO THE LOAN SEEKER SO
THAT HE /SHE WILL BE ABLE TO REPAY THE LOAN WITHIN THAT PERIOD. I
DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW TONIGHT
THAT GOD FAVOR HAVE LOCATED YOU!


THE LORD HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE GOD OF JACOB
DEFEND THEE SEND THEE HELP FROM THE SANCTUARY; AND STRENGTHEN THEE OUT
OF ZION.I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; MORE HELP IS COMING YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. I MEAN DIVINE HELP. HEAVEN IS ABOUT TO RESPOND TO
YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIVATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE LOVE OF GOD, AND THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPIRIT BE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

STAY BLESSED.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  


Wahl bless 'is heart...he wants to loan me money.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Let's see how he copes with a wee bit of edit:


GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF A COKE BOTTLE FROM HAROLD, WHO BE THY NAME,
THE GIVER OF EVERY INFECTIOUS THING.

 GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY GRACE TO YOU AND PIECE FROM 1-900-V-PUSSY-HO
FROM OUR LOCAL BROTHEL.
FIRST LET ME START BY INTROGOOSING MYSELF BECAUSE IT FEEL SO GOOD, IT COULDN'T
BE REAL....WHOOOOOOOOOOOO... I AM (REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE).
THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF THE IMMATULATE COSMIC HORK
IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBULAR MINISTRY. WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE
CALLING FROM A YAK HERD IN SIBERIA TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED OF THE GNARLIEST
HAIRBALLS ON THE PLANET SINCE THE ABSENCE OF THE WOOLY BULLY MADE IT SO.

 FROM THE GOLDEN COW UDDER OF HER MAGISTRATE THE LORDESS OF THE BUFFALO
WINGS, WE ARE GIVING A MAXIMUM DURATION OF ONE YEAR TO THOSE OF FALLEN
ARCHES TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
TONIGHT THAT A GOAT BAPHOMET IN THE HOUSE OF NIGERIAN ILLUMINATI HAS
MASTURBATED WITH A PELICAN AND HAVE FOUND FAVOR WITH ANY ANAL BOIL
THAT LOOKS REMOTELY LIKE YOU! 

 THIS FALSE DEITY HEAR YOU IN THE DAY OF TROUBLE" THE NAME OF THE COKE
BOTTLE OF JOHN JACOB DINGLEPHUCKER SMITH TO DEFEND AGAINST THEE SEND
THEE HELP FROM AN OUTHOUSE SANCTUARY; AND PURGE THEE WITH A FIRE HOSE
I SAY MORE HELP IS COMING; STILL MORE HELP IS BREATHING HARD YOUR WAY SOONER
THAT YOU EXPECT. 

A TRIBE OF NIGERIAN GOSSAMER CHIA PETS WILL ANSWER YOUR CALL.

(1). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE COMPLEXITY OF THAT PROBLEM.
(2). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE MULTIPLICITY OF THE ISSUES TROUBLING YOU.
(3). IT DOES NOT MATTER THE INTENSITY OF THE PRESSURE AND TENSION IN YOUR LIFE.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEX AND FOOTBALL.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY GET BACK TO US ASAP THROUGH OUR PRIMATE
EMAIL ADDRESS: rev.nicholasakunne@gmail.com

WITH LUCK, OUR PRIMATE WON'T DESTROY THE CPU BEFORE WE GET TO SEE
THE MESSAGE.

 STAY BLESSED WHEN YOU SNEEZE, CUZ WE GOTS NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER HERE.

REV. NICHOLAS AKUNNE  
 
 
Ol' Rev, he decides fer hisself that he doesn't like what I dun to his song, Ma:
 
 
Greetings in the name of the lord almighty and our lord Jesus Christ.

What do you mean by scammers i am a Rev. and i can never use the name
of Lord in Vain if you don't need the loan kindly say so.

I acknowledge the receipt of your email and the contents were fully understood.  
 
 
Apparently not on the latter...but you can try, try, try again.  Perhaps you can up your offer.  Yes, that might be worth a percent to see you do that.  *Jeopardy Theme whilst you're upping it*  
 
 
go away  
 
 
Awwwww, wassamatta Rev?  Hit you between your goat head baphomet did I?  
 
 
He didn't have a prayer of putting my character on or pulling this off.  He can always try for a cable channel...

 

Contributed to Feline Friday

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<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" media="all" href="//www.blenza.com/linkies/styles/default.css" /><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/loc_en.js"></script><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/opt_defaults.js"></script><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/misterlinky.js"></script><script type="text/javascript" src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/autolink.php?mode=standard&owner=comedyplus&postid=03Feb2018&meme=10165"></script>

Scam Proofers Meet Their Syntax

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Think this feller had a proofreader afore this book was published?

I think not.

Well, one of my characters got a scam from an alleged professional proofreading/editing soivice, one that claims it would save my character from coming out widda book like this h'yar depicted.

For a fee, of course.  OF COURSE. 

Pay da fee...and that's all you'll see...of them.

Here's their pitch:


PEARL EDITING

 
http://pearlediting.org/index.html

Dear Colleague,

Proofreading is a vital aspect of publication. It has been proven that
many articles are rejected because of poor grammar and editing errors.
Therefore, we advise that you send your article(s), essays, book
chapters, dissertation or thesis to us for proper editing. Kindly send
your manuscript as an e-mail attachment to submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1. Job Title

2. The journal you intend to publish your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard or Regular)

Upon receipt of the manuscript, an acknowledgment letter which
includes the manuscript number and quote for the proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Prices are charged on a flat rate basis*

 *Turnaround Time*

 *Editing Fee *

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 $200.00

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 $100.00

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 $75.00

After each manuscript has been edited, two copies of the manuscript
will be returned to you, one showing the tracked changes made to the
manuscript and the other showing the final version.

Our services include the following:

· Proofreading (including essays, research articles, dissertation and
thesis)

· Editing

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes

· Translation (documents translated into English from Spanish,
Japanese, Simplified Chinese, Portuguese, etc.)

· Formatting (figures, tables and references)

For more information, visit our website:
http://pearlediting.org/index.html<[http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d]http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d>

Kind regards
Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles
Chief Editor


Uh huh.  They even gots a sorta convincing website. 

Sorta.

Well, my character thunk that mebbe they'd be looking for freelance hep, what with the holidays acomin'.  Soooo, let's give 'em a sample of my character's editing and proofing skills:


From: submit@pearlediting.org< submit@pearlediting.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2017 12:06 AM
To: whackinggreatpile99@hotmail.com
Subject:Submit Manuscript for Professional Proofreading and Masturbational Editing

 


 PEARL EDITING (not as easy as it sounds so we'll try another pitch)

Dear Collie or other breed,

Proofreading is a vital ass speck of pubication. It has been proven that
many articles of clothing get left in funny places after drunken parties
on Saturday night.  Comatose persons photographed in ostrich genitalsoutside a Motel 6 with an inflatable Hellary sex toy are rejected because


of having poor grammar and grampars and other extortion quality photos.

Therefore, we advise that you send your reprehensible photos, inflatable
genitals, article(s) of clothing only sold in truck stop book stores, essays,
hookers and dissertation or thesis on the how who and why Annie was
hit in the fannie with a flounder, to us for racy, improper editing. Kindly send
your man/woman/gender neutral script as an e-mail attachment to
submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1.  Slob Title

2. The journalist you intend to extort your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard, Regular, Irregular, or Something Metamucil)

Upon receipt of the man/woman/gender neutral script , an acknowledgment letter which
includes lots of smart ass comments not excluding "OMG" and "WTF", a
man/woman/gender neutral script number and goat in place of a proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Goats are rated on a flat rate:  the flatter the goat, ettu the fee*

 *Turnaround Time in Azerbaijani*

 *Editing Fee In Weimar Republic marks*

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 200 twats waffling

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 100 geese a laying run over ducks

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 75 maids a milking candied yaks

After each man/woman/gender neutral script has been
done like this h'yar, two copies of the man/woman/gender
neutral script will be returned to you with manatee pecker
tracks showing the pentagram of two buzzards colliding in
midair over Newark.  



The other won't show that in the final version.

Our services include the following:

· distilling camel piss for the holidays

· Editing gopher love letters from Caddy Shack

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes to make sure there is some.

· Translation (documents translated into Azerbaijani from

original recordings of pterodactyls farting, etc.)

· Floormatting (in case this gig tanks)

For more information, visit a website that gives a fuck.

What kind of regards depends on what you write back,

Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles Dilapidated Twat

Chief Madam of Fast Eddies Eggrolls and Oriental Wax Jobs

--
If you do not want to receive any more newsletters, grow a crotch moustache and don't answer personal ads on Craigslist

To update your preferences and to unsubscribe, visit a three peckered goat loose in a ewe convent


Forward a Message to Someone that knows a constipated mathematician that needs a pencil to work it out with.



My character is a bit surprised to not have as yet had a job offer from these fellers.

My pet rock, Seymour, isn't.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Yeah I Know What Day It Is

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But this edit is more fun than Valentine's Day, and on accounta who it's purported to be from.

I mean, how many of YOU get an email from the current US Attorney General?

Neither did my character...but he's supposed to think he did.

Read it and see how convincingly writ it is:


Department of Justice
Office of the Attorney General
441 4th Street NW,
Suite 1145S,
Washington, DC 20001
.

Attention Beneficiary

 We received  urgent  letter  from the Federal Bureau of Investigation
(FBI) here in the United States  over allegations of money laundering
activities with United Nation (UN) and  Nigeria bank officials to
which there is over whelming evidence of your involvement,base on  the
report we got from Nigeria information Minister Mr Lai Mohammed and
(Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit NFIU) in charge of financial
matters in Nigeria.In view of the indicting report submitted to
Federal Bureau of Investigation ( FBI) by the  Mrs Vera Uzo the
director of (Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit) Who took over of
financial matter in Nigeria after  Mr IBRAHIM LAMORDE the formal EFCC
chairman  was fired from office with some  bank official by Nigeria
Government.

Mrs Vera Uzo of ( NFIU)  complain that some individual are using
different names through  different ministries to forge Government
Certificate with beneficiaries within the past government in other to
get their fund claim from Nigeria government which has not been
possible,However, Nigeria  government has to stop all foreign payment
from 2010 till MAY 2017 before payment review order was release by
their President Mr Mohammed Buhari  for the continuation of over due
payment.

Mrs Vera Uzo of Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit (NFIU),  also
complain before (FBI) that you did not obtain their  Government
(Presidential Authorization Payment Certificate )( PAPC)( from their
government office for the clearance of your fund rather you involve
your self with fake lawyers and bank directors to forge government
documents without recourse to the rules of law..

We are giving you notice of service of writ of summons after seven
days of receiving this letter by mail. Note, base on your response to
this complain you Will be given direct contact information from on how
you will contact Mrs. Vera Uzo the director of Nigeria Financial
Intelligence Unit commission chairman.

Justice delayed is justice denied.

Yours faithfully,
US Attorney General Jeff Sessions  


Yup...me neither.

But that's okay...if this were actually FROM the real AG, he would believe as much of this edit as my character bought his email:



From: US Atturkey Genital Geoff Sneeizures <mrdavidgamba7@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, January 8, 2018 10:10 AM
Subject: Department of Justice Office of the Atturkey Genital 
 

 Department of Justice
Office of the Atturkey Genital
441 4th Street NW,
Suite 1145S,
Washington, DC 20001.

Attention

We received  a letter of dubious antecedence from the Federal Burrito of Investigation
(FBI) here in the United States  portion of Washington DC over allegations of money laundering
activities with United Nation (UN) and  Nigeria bank officials to which there is over whelming
evidence of Hellary's involvement in the spin cycle along with that of cnn, msnbc, the DNC,
Loretta Lynchmob, BLM and other related bowel movements, Hollyweird and the bent ear
buffoon, Stephen Colbert.


 
But that's not why I'm writing.
 
Further, our investigation of the infamous dossier of even more dubious antecedence
strongly suggests that Robert Mueller has been photogiraffed with Bela Pelosi and an
inflatable Debbie Wasserman-Medusa sex toy outside a Georgetown Motel 6 at 0245
on November 9 of 2016, offering to do unspeakable things to a tour group from
Liechtenstein.



 
But that's not why I'm writing.
 
Further, the report we got from Nigeria information Minister Mr Lai Mohammed and
(Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit NFIU) in charge of financial matters in Nigeria
indicates that the abacus used by the NFIU has been violated by a yak that shoulda
took that left toin at Albuquerque, creating an accounting nightmare that Liam
Neeson can't commute his way out of, regardless of the box office.
But that's not why I'm writing.
Of note, the report submitted to Federal Burrito of Investigation ( FBI) by Mrs Vera Uzo
born again virgin-debunked director of (Nigeria Financial Intelligence Unit) who took over
molesting Meryl Strep on behalf of Harvey Weinstein in all financial matter in Nigeria after
 Mr IBRAHIM LAMORDE the formal EFCC chairman  was fired from office with some  bank
official by Nigeria Government for allowing themselves to be groped by the ex-Senator
Al Franken.

 
Nawp...that's still not why I'm writing.

Mrs Vera Uzo of ( NFIU)  complain that some individual are using
different names through  different ministries to forge Government
Certificate with beneficiaries within the past government in other to
get their fund claim from Nigeria government which has not been
possible.  However, Nigeria  government learn that it has been some

crybaby from cnn who has been fouling his knickers ever since
the American POTUS called him and his nitwit network "fake news".

And it's proven true.





No, the reason that I am contacting you today is because I, the
atturkey genital, wet my bed and since that untoward occurrence
I cannot get Stephen Colbert, Orpah Belfry and Amy Supersized
Schumer out of it, non sequitur as that sounds.

 We are giving you notice of service of writ of summons after seven
days of receiving this letter by mail. Note, base on your response to
this peculiarity you will be given direct contact information from on how
you will contact Mrs. Vera Uzo for the porpoise of explaining a fish called
Wanda and why it looks so very much like Bernie Sanders and a meth-crazed
sharpai named Booger.

 Justice delayed is justice that's going to try to claim to be reconstituted
virginal.

Yours faithfully,
US Atturkey Genital Geoff Sneeizures
and soon to appear in the upcoming mockumentary
"Chappaqua's on Fahr and A Lot Of Reasons Hellary Won't
Let You Throw A Bucket of Water At It"


What comes as no surprise after such an edit on Valentine's Day, I heard nothing further from the atturkey genital.

But my pet rock is certain that he's seed the bent eared bugger and cnn's crybaby lurking in the parking lot...

A Breathtaking Wordless Wednesday contribution

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<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" media="all" href="//www.blenza.com/linkies/styles/default.css" /><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/loc_en.js"></script><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/opt_defaults.js"></script><script src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/misterlinky.js"></script><script type="text/javascript" src="//www.blenza.com/linkies/autolink.php?mode=standard&owner=comedyplus&postid=11Feb2018&meme=ww"></script>

Not Ready

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In this scam, someone obviously was not ready.

As it turned out, it was the scammer.

Here's how they began their ploy:


I am Mrs Hannah freeman, a US citizen, Am 35 years old. I am one of  those people that took part in receiving Inheritance funds and Lottery  funds from European banks even from many lottery organizers few years
ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid different fees while in the
United States trying to get my funds from those banks and lottery organizers but all to no avail. So I decided to travel to LONDON, UK with all my compensation documents, and I was directed by the IMF Director to contact the re-conciliator Barrister Tony Peters. who
is also an attorney, A London citizen and a member of the UNITED  NATIONS & IMF COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE currently working with IMF  in the United Kingdom and I contacted him and he explained everything  to me. He said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake.   Barrister Tony Peters . personally directed me on how to claim my  Inheritance or Lottery payment.

Right now I have received my compensation funds of $9,500,000.00 (nine
million five hundred thousand dollars). Moreover, Barrister Tony Peters,
showed me the full information of those that are yet to  receive their Inheritance or Lottery payment and I saw your name as  one of the beneficiaries, and your email address, that is why I
decided to email you to stop dealing with those people, they are not  with your fund, they are only making money out of you.

I will personally advise you to contact Barrister Tony Peters, he  will assist you as he is a very religious man with the fear of God.

Compensation Award Office.
Name: Barrister Tony Peters.
Email: barrister
barristertpeters@gmail.com  


A typical jack wagon loaded with hooey.

And, in essence, my character told the scammer so:


And just what would YOU know about the truth of anything?  


However, and just as in so many scams, the scammer doesn't read the reply; he/she judges THE reply to be an act of acceptance by their intended victim, and proceeds on that theory:


How are you doing today, i hope all is well with you and your family,
i want you to know that you are suppose to receive your funds worth

$9,500,000.00 (nine million five hundred thousand dollars).

Note: you have to pay for $120 for the Affidavit Certificate of your
funds so that we can be able to start process you to receive your
funds within 24 hours of payment.

I will advise you to go ahead and make the payment $120 today via
western union or money gram so that we can start processing for you to
receive your funds, below is our financial secretary information to
receive the payment.


Receiver Name: Tony Peter

Location: Lagos Nigeria

Test Question: Who is great?

Test Answer: God


Senders Name: ?????????????

Senders Location: ???????????

Amount: $120


Once you make the payment i promise that i will make sure you receive
your entire funds, do go ahead and make the payment, it is for your
own good.  



Only $120, eh?  Observe as my character makes that the central theme:


So you claim I have a fund in Nigeria worth $9.5 million, and all it will cost me is wiring you $120?  


$120usd no more fee .  


Just $120 and no more fee?   


No more fee, just $120usd that's all  


Wow.  So just $120 and no more fee.  Amazing.  You're absolutely sure about this being the one and only fee of $120, right?  


no one or any other office will ask you of any money jack .  


That's fantastic. So only you will ask for $120 and absolutely no one else, right?   


The $120 is for the Affidavit Certificate of your funds so that we can be able to start process  


So there is an Affidavit Certificate required that costs $120 once and only once, right?  


Yes Jack you are right.   


How do you do all this for only $120?  You don't have middlemen?  Everyone has middlemen.  Middlemen add costs associated with every scheme.  Did you execute your middlemen to make this offer so inexpensive?  Do tell!  


Apparently a handler for the fly infested internet café finally got around to reading our to 'n fro, and decided that his charge was going to be getting no where with "Jack":


I know you are not ready so bye .  


And that's where Keye Luke from Gremlins came in handy:


Perhaps, one day, you may be ready.  Sell.  


I don't reckon he saw what I just did there.  Keye Luke would have.


Kinda like fishing:  once you've got a sucker on the line, just wear 'em down...

Scammer Meets Time Tunnel..and Wiley Coyote?

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I've used the 60s TV show The Time Tunnel with scammers before.

Yet another scamming dolt kind of brought it on once more.

Here was his brief gambit:


 Dear Friend,
 I want to transfer US$10.5 Million to your bank account. The fund belong to our deceased customer who died with his entire family in Iraq War, leaving nobody for the claim and as such, I decided to contact you to enable us claim the fund. Your share is 40% while 60% for me. This transaction is 100% risky free.
Contact me for more details [ahmeadali428@gmail.com]
Thanks,
Mr.Ahmead Ali
Regionale de Solidarite( BRS),
ouagadougou Burkina Faso  
 
 
Don't see how the one relates to the other?  It didn't...but in the edit, it do:
 
From: Ahmead Ali <aliahmead@aol.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 4:02 PM
Subject:Oh F***ing My 
 Wowser,

 
 I want to transfer US$10.5 Million to your bank account. No, I
don't have it on me.  But I have a plan.

The fund belong to our deceased customer who died with his entire
genealogical antecedence in a badly conducted time experiment
during filming for a remake of the 1960 series, The Time Tunnel.
Therein, after thoroughly researching his ancestral roots, he
meant to time warp them -- along with every last current member
of his current famdamily -- to a great pre/reunion at an upscale
restaurant in Brooklyn.

Instead, they all wound up in Syria during an air raid.  Wiped out
the lot of them.

And everyone else that looked like them. 

In case someone sitting across from you on the bus suddenly
vaporized a few days ago...that's why.  But not to worry if you
didn't.  At least for now.

I decided to contact you to first see if you weren't in any way
directly or indirectly connected to the now totally deceased
genealogical line.  Assuming you weren't, then we move to
the next phase of my diabolical plan:  to enable us claim the
fund I mentioned at the outset. Your share is not what mine
is, but it's a share.  It's not a fair share, but WTF...this is my
plan not yours.  If it was your plan, you could have set the
terms.  But it isn't and you can't.  PHFFFFT.

This transaction is 100% risky free, assuming no one else
tries that same Time Tunnel experiment that is remotely
related to you.

Contact me for more totally amazing and, quite frankly,
rather hard to fathom details [ahmeadali428@gmail.com]

Mr.Ahmead Ali
Regionale de Holy F**kstick (RHF),
ouagadougou Burkina Faso
 
The scammer had nothing further to say or add after this edit.  Perhaps that same time experiment got him too?

Anuddah Contribution To Woidless Wednesday

A Little Sumpin for Feline Friday

Rambo XXXIV?

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I doubt that there's enough bondo and botox left in Hollyweird to piece ol' Sly Stallone together to run that many sequels.
 
But this scammer, he don' know that.
 
Say hello to Dr. Joseph Oja:
 
 
From Hon. Dr. O. Joseph
Head, Banking Operations,
Societe Generale Bank Limited.


Good day,

Sequel to the secretive arrangement in regards to the shipment of your consignment, I wish to inform you that all necessary modalities have been completely concluded and have today left my country under high diplomatic immunity to London en-route to your Country by Express Cargo Flight.

Note carefully that the content of the crate is "MONEY" but I did not disclose it to the Courier Services as Money, rather I informed them that the crate contain Vital "DIPLOMATIC DOCUMENTS" belonging to my client (that's you).

Furthermore, the weight of the consignment is 220kg but I manage to pay 120kg, which cost US$75,600.00 but do not worry as I have concluded with them on this regard. All I need now is your maximum co-operation and assistance for a successful and hitch-free delivery to you.

Note that on no account should you disclose the content of the crate with the Diplomatic Courier Services for fear of betrayal. So do not allow them to know that the content is money.

In the meantime, contact the Diplomatic Courier Services on Tel/Fax: +447024045871 to know the actual situation with the consignment and also give them your address where the consignment will be delivered and then get back to me with your DIRECT MOBILE TELEPHONE NUMBER as soon as possible so that I can give you the shipment document.

Meanwhile, I will be coming over to your country immediately the consignment arrives in your Country for my 60% while you take 40% share. Congrats and remain blessed.

Best Regards,

Dr. O. Joseph  
 
 
He has no idea what happened to his email, Ma.  If he had paid attention that he'd sent it to my character, that would have been easier for him to grasp:
 
 
From: Dr. Joseph Oja <drjosephoja33@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 23, 2018 1:51 PM
Subject:Sequel to Rambo XXXIV -- Lots of bondo and botox... 
From Hon. Dr. O. Joseph
Head, Banking Operations,
Societe Generale Bunk Limited.

Good day,

Sequel to Rambo XXXIV -- Lots of bondo and botox, I wish to inform you that all necessary modalities have been completely convoluted and have today left my country under a cloud of methanic rectal expellance, with high levels of diplomatic immunity to EPA and OSHA laws, en-route to your Country by Express Cargo Flight.


 Note carefully that the content of the crate is "MONKEY" but I did not disclose it to the Courier Services as Monkey, rather I informed them that the crate contain "DIPLOMATIC FLATULENCE" belonging to my client (which, at this point in the script, that's you...You don't have any lines, you just nod and look on blissfully, f**ktard).

 Furthermore, the weight of the consignment is equal to Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore combined -- 2200 kilo tons -- but I manage to pay for 120kg, leaving you quite a bill to pay here which by my broken abacus calculates out to about US$75,600.00 but do not worry as I have no problem spending your monkey.  I have no problem spanking your monkey, either.  All I need now is your maximum co-operation and assistance for a successful and hitch-free delivery to you.

Note that you still don't have any lines here...you just nod and keep your pie hole shut.  So do not allow them to know that the content is monkey.

 In the meantime, contact the Diplomatic Courier Services on Tel/Fax: +447024045871, ask them if they have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can, and if they do, tell them to let him out and hang up.  I promise you that it will annoy them no end.  Don't use the "I want to speak to Myra Manes" angle; they're not a funeral home and won't get it.
 
Meanwhile, I will be coming over to your country immediately for the purpose of finding and jack slapping you for what you just did to my email.  This ain't the email I sent you, f**ktard.  What is this Rambo stuff?  What did you do to my email and whyfor you do my email this way?  60% of this is not my email leaving the other 40% share lost and gone forever.  And who the f**k is Clementine?

 Best Regards,

Dr. O. Joseph
 
 
Dr. O truly did not understand what was dun to his email, Ma.  But he did have this to reply with:
 
go away  
 
 
Everybody does...which way YOU go?  
 
 
Apparently, the Doc goes the other way...


Wordless Wednesday Reaches For The...

Editing The FBI For Fun and Burritos

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Something else for cnn's Jim Crybaby Acosta to whine about.

My pet rock, Seymour, loves it when I let him do a scam email edit.

Especially when it's a scam email from the FBI.

Like this one:


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington D.C
FRAUDWATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT,

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.

ATTN: ATM CARD PAYMENT BENEFICIARY,

(FBI) PAYMENT MEMO TO PAYMENT BENEFICIARY.

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES. WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND AND FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE CONTRACT PAYMENT AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT YOUR FUND SHOULD NOT COST YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IS YOUR MONEY, WHICH WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT ALL THE PAYMENT WILL BE  PAID VIA ATM SMART CARD WHICH IS THE SIMPLEST WAY TO TRANSFER HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO AVOID COST OF TRANSFER AND OTHER STATUTORY DOCUMENTS, WHICH WE STRETCHED TO HAVE A STRONG AGREEMENT OVER THE PAYMENT THAT WILL COST YOU ONLY $200 USD FOR DELIVERY OF YOUR ATM SMART CARD VIA  UPS DELIVERY COMPANY DEPENDING ON YOUR CHOICE.HOWEVER, YOU HAVE ONLY TWO WORKING DAYS TO SEND THIS REQUIRED FEE OF $200 USD TO UPS COURIER COMPANY FOR DELIVERING OF YOUR CARD BECAUSE YOUR CARD WILL BE DISPATCH TO THEM IMMEDIATELY. AND IF WE DON’T HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION: THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN AND THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT TO CANCEL YOUR PAYMENT THAT HAS BEEN ALREADY APPROVED AND PROGRAMMED IN AN ATM SMART CARD.I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AS I WILL SOON CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION WITH YOU, LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  



It went on for several more paragiraffes, but you get the genital ideer h'yar.

Well, Seymour was all over it.  And amusingly, he found a way to work into it a mention or two of two of his favorite females out there:  Mock 'n Daisy of COTR (since Mock connected with him recently on LinkedIn).

I'm not so sure that Mock 'n Daisy will be as amused:


FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and MAN FROM UNCLE Momentary Crimes Division.
Federal Burrito Of Ingestigation.
J. Comey's A Crybaby Building Washington D.C
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.

ATTN: FBI HAS SPECIAL ON RETRIEVED ERASED EMAILS ON THE HELLARY THING

(FBI) MEMO ON RICHARD DURBIN'S SEX WITH MARMOTS YOUTUBE VIDEO

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES:  WE ARRESTED THAT GAWDDAMNED GEICO GECKO AND CHARGED HIM WITH LEERING AND PEERING WITH THE ATTEMPT TO CREEP AND CRAWL IN A PUSSY COSTUME DURING THE WOMYN'S TANTRUM STOMP IN DC.  AND IN HIS POSSESSION, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE FOUND???  PICTURES OF FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE AND CHUCK U SCHUMER LEAVING A TACO BELL IN NEWARK AT 3AM WITH AN INFLATABLE HELLARY SEX TOY, WHILE RIDING A YAK AND PLAYING A UKELELE.

WE ARRESTED THE UKELELE.

WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL RUSSIANS WHO LEAKED ON WIKILEAKS ON BEQUARTERS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE PROTOLOGY EXAM AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT THE PICTURES OF YOUR EXAM SHOULD NOT BE SHOWN ON TODAY, BUT PROBABLY WILL BE AIRED ON CNN BECAUSE CNN HAS NOTHING LEFT BUT BEING SORDID.

 WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL BE INTERVIEWED BY THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX DRIVE-THRU CLOWN WHO WILL BE CHANNELING ROBERT MUELLER THROUGH THE ASS END OF A BURRO.  BTW, DID YOU KNOW THAT ROBERT MUELLER AND JOHN F***ING KERRY LOOK LIKE LONG LOST BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER? 

OUR FOGGY BOTTOMS OPERATORS ARE ALL STANDING BY FOR FISA TAP WARRANTS TO PRE-DETERMINE WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE NEXT COTR "WHO LAUGHS MORE" COMPETITION.  WE HAVE OUR MONEY ON MOCK BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT DAISY IS STACKING THE VIDEOS 8-5 IN HER FAVOR.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS EMAIL WILL ONLY COST YOU $200 USD?  WHY?  BECAUSE WE'RE THE FBI AND WE SAY SO.  WE DON'T DO BONUSES FOR TAX CUTS HERE.  WE'RE NOT WIRED THAT WAY EVER SINCE OBOLA AND HELLARY GOT THEIR HOOKS INTO THE COMESTER VIA THE MUELLER WHO LOOKS LIKE KERRY BECAUSE THEY'RE FROM THE SAME MUTATING BUTT POLYP.

THE FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN TO CANCEL HAVING A STAR NAMED IN YOUR LOVED ONE'S BEHALF IF YOU DON'T SEND THE $200 USD SOONEST.  I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AND REMEMBER TO READ EVERY THIRD WORD BACKWARD.  IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CODE...LIKE IF YOU PLAY A BEATLES RECORD BACKWARD AND HEAR JOHN OR PAUL SHOUTING "DEVIL BUNNIES, DEVIL BUNNIES, I SNORT THE BANANA" OR SOMETHING.  
 
LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  IT COULD ONLY BE ME IF I SOUND LIKE I SNORTED HELIUM AS I HAVE SPEAKS TO YOU.

BE INFORMED THAT YOU MAY ALSO RECEIVE SEVERAL E-MAILS AND TELEPHONE CALLS FROM ANY ORGANIZATION DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY YOU DON'T DONATE TO THE NANCY BELA PELOSI BOTOX FUND;  SUCH MUST BE FORWARDED TO A BASSETT HOUND NAMED BHUELAH IMMEDIATELY FOR VERIFICATION...WE NEED TO SEE IF BHUELAH WILL READ OR JUST PEE ON IT FIRST.  AUTHENTICATION HERE COMES IN MANY FORMS, EACH WEIRDER THAN THE LAST. 

IT MIGHT COME TO YOU WITH DIFFERENT PROPOSALS IN AZERBAIJANI, IN WHICH CASE NEVER MIND, AS WE DON'T SPEAK THAT, AND THE BREAD WEARING CHIHUAHUA TRIO WE HAD IN 2016 RETIRED.

NEXT COMES OUR SUBSTANDARD DISCLAIMER, WHICH READS LIKE STEREO INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE MOVIE BEETLEJUICE:  WITH DIFFERENT NAMES INCLUDING MY NAME ASKING YOU TO COME AND PUT ON A PUSSY HAT, TUTU AND HELLARY PANT SUIT WITH INFLATABLE HIPS BELONGING TO YOU OR TO SOMEBODY YOU DO NOT KNOW.  I URGE YOU TO IGNORE IT IF IT COMES FROM MORNING JOE AND MENTALLY MARINATED MIKA, WHILE YOU FORWARD IT TO US.

I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS WHETHER YOU HAD A PET ROCK OR NOT ON YOUR LINKEDIN CONTACT LIST.

 NEXT WE HAVE THIS MEANINGLESS LIST OF NAMES AND NUMBERS OF PERSONS OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN:

JOHNNY ALMANTE ==============1Z2X59394198080570
GARY METZGER ==============1Z2X59394195952759
GLEN PAPANIKAS ==============1Z2X59394198690947
CAROL R BUCZYNSKI ==============1Z2X59394197862530
KARIMA EMELIA TAYLOR ==============1Z2X59394198591527
LISA LAIRD ==============1Z2X59394196641913
POLLY SHAYKIN ==============1Z2X59394198817702

MOREOVER, THIS IS ANOTHER PEOPLE THAT RECEIVED TELEPATHETIC INSTRUCTIONS FROM A WAFFLE IRON THROUGH UPS WEBSITE (WWW.UPS.COM).

RICHARD AUTRY ============== 869713119185
GARY METZGER ============== 871363130860
MARK STUBBS ==============871363116168

HOWEVER, BE ADVISED BASED ON OUR RECOMMENDATION/INSTRUCTIONS THAT IF YOU FIND THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM, TOSS IN A LYSOL GRENADE AND SLAM THE DOOR.

FINALLY -- YES, THERE IS A FINALITY HERE -- YOU SHOULD CONTACT THIS PERSON BECAUSE HE IS A REVEREND.  WELL, MAYBE NOT A REVEREND IN THE REVERENDIAL SENSE, BUT WE DID GET HIM A COLLAR AND DID PUT HIM OUT ON A STREET CORNER TO PREACH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW MARK LUKE AND DUCK.  IT WAS DURING THAT LAST CHAPTER THAT HE QUACKED UP AND BEGAN THINKING THAT HE WAS HELLARY AND DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY HE WASN'T UP FIFTY POINTS, WHEN IT WAS REALLY ONLY FIFTY POUNDS.

 CONTACT PERSON: REV.JAMES LONG.
UPS EXPRESS SERVICE
EMAIL ADDRESS: (upsexpservice011@gmail.com
DIRECT TELL +229-9652 6788

YOU'RE ADVISED TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY SO AS TO ENABLE HIM TO AVOID DONNING A PUSSY HAT AND MARCHING WITH MARMOTS DEMANDING THAT AL FRANKEN RESIGN FROM LOOKING LIKE A MARMOT.

NOTE: YOU'RE ADVISED TO FURNISH  AN E FLAT OR C SHARP.

WHEN YOU FINISH READING THIS AND CANNOT FATHOM THE CONTENTS HEREIN, JUST REMEMBER THAT IF THE CONSTIPATED MATHEMATICIAN COULD WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL, WE FIGURE YOU'LL FIND A WAY TOO. 

JUST DON'T CHEW ON THAT PENCIL AFTERWARD.  YUCK.

BEST REGARDS WE CAN MANAGE AFTER AN EMAIL LIKE THIS
Christopher A. Wary
Federal Burrito of Ingestigation
J. Comey Crybaby Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 with a slow leaking Jim Acosta doll, whining about being called fake news.  We already bought all of those pictures and are holding onto them to sell them to Russia in case you run for president of Wikileaks or get your hands on weaponized helium which you use on a radio show in Indianapolis.  
 
 
The latest scam version of the FBI had no reply to make to this.  But perhaps Seymour will make Mock and Daisy's Wall of Shame.
 
"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

The Felines Don't Hold Back on Feline Friday


An Edit That Brings Them To Tears

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Actually, it's simpler than that in Kim Jong Un's North Korea.

Some online rag -- Business Insider, I believe -- actually wasted print on why so many pictures exist with North Koreans crying in the immediate presence of their ruling pudgmeister, Kim Jong Un.

My pet rock, Seymour, knowd the answer to that without having to read the article.  But it spurred him to again don his editing hat, and fix what BI got wrong:


Why everybody seems to be crying in lots of photos with Kim Jong un




Lots of people are crying in this photo — but why? WTFNS investigates.

  • Ever wondered why there are loads of people crying in photos with Kim Jong-un?
  • North Korea has a legacy of public displays of grief and overwhelming emotion.
  • According to Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, it started with Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung.And his feet.




In Kim Jong-un's North Korea, many things seem strange to the Western world. Like everything.


Kim Jong-un is an isolated case
Similarly, with the many pictures showing Kim jong un with his subjects, people often seem to be moved to tears.



Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, is not surprised by these displays. Emotionality is part of the cult of personality in North Korea started by Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung. "The Kim rulers are exaggerated, almost egawds-like perceived," says Wasserputz-Schulz to WTFNS.

“And they're very heavy footed”, added Wasserputz-Schulz.


Park Dong-Wak, an analyst at the Korea Institute for Advanced Weight Loss in Seoul, told The New York Slimes that the grief at Kim Jong-il's funeral was overwhelmingly staged. Especially since everyone had to stop and get a hug from Kim Jong Un. And during that moment, he stepped on their foot. Park also said, "Other North Koreans weep because they simply can't help it...Un is one heavy dude." So, even in Kim Jong-un's photos, none of the tears is a happy tear.

And even more so when he parts with a kimshi fart.



Seymour's going to need his own desk button to counter Kim Jong Un before long.

"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Good point...

Woidless Wednesday courtesy of Comedy Plus

Feline Friday Super Heroes

Just When You Thought There Were No More Awards

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A few days back -- unwilling to lower myself to such a point -- I made my pet rock, Seymour, watch the false narrative politics and narcissism on parade at the Oscars.

"Yeah...PHFFFFFFFFT!!!"

I knew better than to waste my time.  Seymour should have.

Then again, I should have knowd better than to have a pet rock watch anything as dismal as the 2018 Oscars were.

Cuz I heard that tell-tale *TOING* that Seymour is so well known for, when he gets an idea.

Seymour thinks it's high time for his own award...the Seymours:

"Is NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

I rather thought it was in keeping with the Hollyweird fads.

At any rate, Seymour doesn't really have anything quite so statuesque as an Oscar.  He's thinking of using this for his first awards post:

"Am NOT!!!"

We'll sort out the details on the statue later, hopefully in a manure to keep people from cornfusing the rapidly falling interest in the Oscars with something new and different...like the Seymours. 


Meantime, Seymour has some 2018 awards to present. 

He begins with the bestest hosts that take him in when I get tired of him trying to order pizza and Chinese food when I'm not here ("PHFFFFFFFFT!!!").  After reviewing his list, I tend to agree that there is simply no way that one person can dominate in this category.  There have been a few.  So, for the first ever Seymour Awards for Bestest Host/Hostess of Himself, Seymour awards by geography:

CA:  Sandee
Japan/Ohio:  Amy
Texas:  Monica/Albert
Arkansas:  Cyndy
North Carolina:  Cora/Pixie
Virginia/Washington DC:  Janine Lynn
W. Virginia:  Jennie
Loveland CO:  Judy/Rick/Iz, three horses, two cows, two dogs and a squeeze toy named Barney  


Seymour then continues with his list of fondly recalled (for the most part) exs:

IA/Japan:  Jane



TX:  Windy


CA:  Julia Sandstone

...so it can be said that not all of Seymour's exs live in Texas...

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"


Seymour has been to many great places, and for some of those venues, he has this series of 2018 Seymours to award:


Shiriashi Island, Japan, home of the Moooo! Bar and it's always gracious and funny moostis, Amy.

Seymour doing DC with Janine Lynn as his hostess, guide and keeping him out of subject material for a future Supreme Court case.

Seymour battening down the hatches whilst yachting off the Califorlornia coast with Sandee..and of course, keeping boating regulations in mind..

Seymour rocking it in style on a porch in Arkansas with Cyndy.

Seymour sidling up to some home made 'hootch' in West Virginia with Jennie.

..and playing doctor while his host was a tad under the weather in the West Virginia hills.

Seymour visiting geologic cousins in North Carolina with Cora and Pixie.

Seymour has a special category for the most unusual non persons he's had the pleasure to meet, and therein is a tie between Renny:


...and Flat Stanley:


Seymour also awards two of the most scenic places he has been.  First, Shiriashi Island, Japan:


And Washington DC, where Seymour saw both the sights:


...and the frights:


"EWWWWWWWW...why'd you have to remind me?"

Seymour also has a special honorary category that I have to admit to being just a tad bit envious of.  The 2018 Seymour Award to the most prestigious person to request to link to Seymour on LinkedIn goes to...Mock, of Chicks on the Right:


..true story.  Mock actually sent Seymour a link request...he almost fainted ("did NOT!!!").  He loves her laugh.  Then again, Seymour's pretty enamored of Daisy, Hannah and Kimber, too.

Finally, in this first ever Seymour Awards, Seymour gives a Seymour to who he says is, by far and above, the bestest editor of email scams, ever....

...himself???

"Danged right!!!"

That's fine..I see here that you have a Best Supporting Editor of Email Scams Award, and that you've given that to....Jack N EWEHOFF???

"Yeah..so?"

Hmmphf.  So your long-time host, right here, who sends you on world travel at no expense to you, didn't rate a 2018 Seymour?

"Well...yeah, you did...Most Likely To Clear An Elevator When He Farts".

"See?  Even Godzilla agrees".

Mebbe we'll nip this Seymour Award thing in the bud for 2019...

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"




 

Wordless Wednesday Gets Wordlesser

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