Skunkfeathers

So does her bannister's donkey.

It very quickly went surreal for poor ol' Vivian Stewart, scamstress, shortly after sending my character this:

My name is Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL
    60525,United States.
    I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they
    refused to pay me, I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my payment
    with no results.
    A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my contract documents to meet Barr Richard Cohen, he is the member of CONTRACT PAYMENT
    COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the COMMITTEE in the Nigeria, I contacted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to
    Nigeria ,which I did.
    He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. Then he took me
    to the paying bank, which is CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria),was i receive my payment
    and I am the happiest
    woman after receiving my contract funds of $8.2Million USD.
    In the process of searching for my file,I saw your information on awaiting
    payment list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen .Though I did not however, see all your contact details lest your fax number.
    Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I
    arrive back home.I have been so busy because we are trying to set up a factory here with the money we received.
    So if you are interested,please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the
    information below,explain yourself to him . he is a honest and humble
    person. Alternately, mention my name to him he will help you.
    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email: richardcohen303@gmail.com
    Phone Number: +2348166351727
    When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate your details to him as well
    Send the following file number: (PF / TY6574 / UN) He will use the file number on top to easily access your file .
    You must stop keep in touch with those who contact you, they will
    Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat. The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to my
    Funds, Please note that. You can get me involved in this
    Thank you,

Both she and her bannister, Richard Cohen, were not very prepared for the edit that went back to them:

From: Mrs Vivian Stewart< smrsvivian22@gmail.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 28, 2017 4:48 AM
Subject:Pelican sh*t as far as the eye can see

My name is for this template Vivian Stewart I live at 8763 Pelican Dr.La Grange IL 60525,United States. So do a sh*tload of pelicans. F**kin' things.

I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago but they gave it CPR, re-attached the head to the text and still it lives as a zombified contract and chases goats around villages there. Very annoying. You truly don't know annoying until you execute a contract, it revives and goes zombie on you.

I have paid over $70,000 USD trying to get my contract re-executed with no results. I think that you'll agree that I am some kind of abject moron that would spend that kind of money just to have a contract well and truly executed. Kim Jong Un is able to execute things one time and they stay executed.

Maybe he can give me tips.

Anytheway, A person directed me to travel over to Nigeria with all my correspondence on how I wanted that gawddanged contract executed, and wouldn't you just know, the moment I stepped out of the yak cart there they arrested me and put me in jail and called my pappy to throw my bail and he said -- yes, he actually said -- "Viv you gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop whoring in Nebraska's Lincoln".

I think he was already drinkin' when he said that. Last time I checked a map, there's a bit of geographic differential between Nebraska's Lincoln and Nigeria. At least a river or two.

So now I got me this atturkey -- Barr Richard Cohen -- he is the member of CONTRACT EXECUTION COMMITTEE and he is LEGAL ADVISER to the Dancing with the scars here in the Nigeria, I contracted him and he explained everything to me on telephone and advised me to travel to Nigeria.

*Shake up sound* Ain't I already there? What, I say, what the f**k son?

He said that those contacting us through emails are fake. They are actually at cnn and they're doing this on their lunch and meth hours.

Then he took me on a tour of the cell block, and my surprise there was no midnight special shining a light on me. I'm really getting to HATE country music about now.

The across the street through my barred winder I seed the CBN (Central Bank of Nigeria), and it was in the process of bein' robbed, and I am the happiest girl in the whole...USA.

Not really. If I zippity doo dah once more, my genitals will have stretch marks.

In the process of searching for anything I could use to shiv my atturkey, I saw your information on awaiting contact list in the office of Barr Richard Cohen. And I am here to tell you that if you get a phone call or email text from that plunger lipped twat waffle. do NOT respond other than with assorted choice epithets. He's not too bright and thinks that being called a plunger lipped twat waffle is chic.

Am sorry contacting you so late as I had planned doing it as soon as I arrived back from the daily cell block riot that we have every third Thursday of every other month of the odd leap year. Nigeria's a really f**ked up place, dude...NEVER buy their calendars.

What's more, they have apples and they have pens, and they have no idea what the point of that is. Uh.

So if you are interested, please do contact Barr Richard Cohen with the information below, explain yourself in Azerbaijani to him. He is a moron and will giggle a lot at the weird way you're speaking to him, then he'll hang up and finger his ass for a while.

The donkey will hate you.

Mention my name to him and the donkey will hate you more.

    Name: Barr Cohen Richard
    Email: richardcohen303@gmail.com
    Phone Number: +2348166351727

When contacting Barrister Richard, reiterate everything I told you above just the way I writ it.

You must stop keep in touch with those like me who contact you, they will Strengthen your resources until you have nothing to eat. What? My proofreader sez I just writ that wrong. What the f**k...I'm in a Nigerian prison with lions and tigers and bears oh my. And apple trees that throw pens. Uh.

And the donkey still hates me. So does the burro on the right.

The only money I needed to pay was only GBP 400 for the permission to market this as a future Transformer movie to that idiot that made the movie Pearl Harbor so badly.

The donkey hates him, too.

Please note that you can get me involved in this but probably should have a frontal lobotomy first.

So far, nothing back from Viv or her plunger lipped twat waffle of a bannister. They're probably tearing up all their old Hanna Montana sound tracks as I wait...

I suspect that the scammer had no knowledge of The Addams Family when he writ and sent this scam to my character:

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Department Of Just ice,

FBI New York 26 Federal Plaza 23rd

Floor, New York 10278-0005.

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION ( FBI )WASHINGTON DC.

Attention: Fund Beneficiary,

This will be the first and last we the entire FBI Head Office will remind you about this issue, because it has been long and I believe by now you have got this below message at least more than 4 times still you haven't respond.

Note; The grace given to you as a legal Beneficiary has expired,therefore you are entitled to contact this apex office of the FBI which has been taken care of your fund, or will be directed to the Police Interpol of your Country. Once again, this is a last warningto you because there is no way you should abandon your BOX here in the airport because of Custom required fee $225 which you were later allow you to pay half of it as of now, while the remaining half will be paid as soon as you get your fund.

Contact us via ( 360-986-5348 ) and also email us with the code ; ( NY/fbi-0128 ) For Security Reason.

Reconfirm us the bellow information:

Full name..........

Address............

Mobile number......

Occupation.........

Warning Late Response Will Cost You Another Thing.

My character never had one Thing, let alone the thought of getting another.

Feeling rather peculiar at this time, I thought it appropo that I let my pet rock, Seymour, handle the edit duties for a letter from the FBI:

Federal Burrito of Investigation

Department Of Just Ice,

FBI New York 26 Federal Plaza

23rd Floor

New York 10278-0005.

UNOFFICIAL LETTER FROM THE FEDERAL BURRITO OF INVESTIGATION ( FBI )WASHINGTON DC.

Attention:

This will be the first but hardly the last we the entire FBI Hindquarters Orifice will remind you about this issue, because it has been long and winding road full of pot holes and road kill and road apples and all that country shit they sing about and I believe by now you

have got this below message at least more than 4 times even though I said it was the first

but I'm full of shit like the rest of us here in this entire FBI Hindquarters Orifice, and yet still

you haven't respond.

You want us to indict you with crimes against enchiladas?

Note; The grace given to you as a Benedictine monk has expired, therefore you are require

to contact this pox of an orifice of the FBI which has been taken care of violating your stuffed

animals, or this matter will be directed to the Police Interpol of your dubious antecedence. Once

again, this is your first last warning to you because there is no way we can keep track of this shit

very the much longer, wider, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you fart. And death farts are

grotesquely gnarly, I assure you.

Should you should your BOX here in the airport -- I think I meaned leave but this English shit is

all Grecian formula to me -- Custom required fee of $225 which you were supposed to pay is still

unpaid and that really fucking frosts us here in this entire FBI orifice.

Do you think that WE pay for our own donuts? You slack genitaled douche canoe! We are the

entire FBI Hindquarter orifice and we tell you that not...NOT...abso-fucking-lutely NOT how it

the thing works!

Contact us via ( 360-986-5348 ) and also email us with the code ( NY/fbi-WTF) because we'll

orgasm if you do. Twice on Sunday.

Reconfirm us the bellow information because we was too stupid to write it down last times:

Full name..........

Address............

Mobile number......

Occupation.........

Warning: a late Response Will Cost You Another Thing. What kind of thing we don't yet know

but we're working on that, on this you can bet at 3-2 with times 10 the points on Thursdays.

We are FBI..bum ba dum bum bum bum bum!

I'm not surprised the FBI didn't respond, busy as they are digging out from under the embarrassment caused them by Mueller and Comey's corruption with Hellary...but Farmers wasn't happy my pet rock appropriated their theme music.

"Were TOO!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Especially when you're an online scammer, claiming to be a barrister from Benin.

Oh sure...he's using a template to WRITE to my character...but is he READING my responses?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here's how we rolled:

Attention:

This is Director Mark Smith From DHL Company Republic Due Benin. I write to let you know that the the required fee needed for the shipment of your package has been paid. $450. the only money you have to send to Edu Mike now is $205 for Airport Stamp for your package to proceed to your home,

So i advice you to try all you can to send the $205 today to enable your package ship first thing tomorrow morning to your destination address within 47hours.

Receiver name....... Edu Mike

Country........................ Benin

City.......................... . Cotonou

Amount............... $205USD

Sender name and address

Director Mark Smith

DHL COURIER COMPANY

Tell Edu Mike that he'll get $205 from me when an asteroid destroys Benin.

My dear the only thing I have to tell you is that if you want to made the payment try to made it in time so that I will proceed in time and if you made the payment get back to me with the reference number and the copy of the payment crip as soon as you made the payment now tell me when are you going to made the payment or you are not ready to made the payment so let me know okay

After the E.L.E. asteroid hits Benin, I'll send the money.

Which day you their is no more for this your delivery so me when are you going to made the payment I mean which day are you going to made the payment

Long as he can't read, let's play a tad more:

Read my previous email response to you carefully, and you'd find therein which day I'm sending the monkey.

you are not saying which day you make payment crip. Which day okay

The...day...that...an...asteroid (gimongus space rock of dubious cosmic and geologicedence)..hits..destroys...wipes out...eradicates...eviscerates...BLOWS THE LIVING F**K OUT OF...Benin. On that day, I will send the monkey. Not a day before. And no point in a day after. You sabe?

My character even included the above photo for reference. It didn't help:

I am not understand what you say. what day do you mean okay.

What we have here is....failure...to communicate. So here is what I suggest you do: (1) go to your nearest Hallmark store (2) ask them for the calendar that has the day on which Benin is hit by an asteroid (3) ask them what day that is (4) if it falls during the seasonal advent of psychic douche canoe and (5) you'll know on what day I'll send the monkey.

are you not being serious about this

Ahhh...a teeny weenie ray of *DUH* is finally sneaking up on your consciousness. Perhaps you're not the cerebral twat waffle you had convinced me that you were. Very good...you get a cookie.

Okay listing to me if you don't want to send the money in Benin you can make the payment here in the state if you are ready to do that let me know now so that I will give you the payment information which you will use to make the payment here in the state Okay

Perhaps the lyrics to this song will help..or not, 'cuz you're pretty dumb by all standard measures:
(with no apologies to Peter Gabriel)

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey

Cover me when I swing
Cover me through the limbs
Something knocked me out' the trees
Now I'm on my farging knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know when you're going to spank the monkey

Fork the fox
Snap the rat
You can rape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I can't take any more without drugs
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Something's burning
Monkeys in the kitchen but I guess I'm learning

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey

(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I creep
You throw your swine before the pearls
Spank the monkey blind
Cover me, darling farging please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Spank! - spank the monkey, spanking monkey

Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey
Spank the monkey

(and someone paid to write this sh*t)

There now...can you hear me now?

Sorta:

Is like you don't need this your fund am asking you which day are you going to made the payment and you don't want to say it my dear am sorry to say this if you are not interested in this your delivery let me know okay

You can rekindle hope anew after the asteroid hits Benin. Tell Edu Mike to be patient until then. He'll be a patient at that point anyway.

That means you are not interested with your fund

Perhaps a little electricity is finally reaching the dim bulb between your ears now. I will send Edu Mike the monkey when the asteroid hits Benin. Period.

Since 'Mark Smith' of Benin's DHL has not responded since then, it would seem that he finally figured out -- or someone there did -- that my character wasn't serious.

Or that the asteroid hit....which means, my pet rock insists, that my character has to come up with a monkey to send. I'll let my pet rock, Seymour, take care of that.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Now THAT'S a Swiss Miss.

She'd heat up any chocolate.

Not so much what one of my recent emailers had in mind, however.

No, Jose Luis Echeverri was a tad more nefarious in his intentions.

Okay, WAY more.

Read a tad of what the schmuck sent me:

My name is Jose Luis Echeverri,and my late father was a member of Independent Committee of Eminent Persons (ICEP),Switzerland. ICEP is charged with the responsibility of finding bank accounts in Switzerland belonging to non-Swiss indigents, which have remained dormant since World War II It may interest you to know that In July of
1997,the Swiss Banker's association published a list of dormant
accounts originally opened by non-Swiss citizens.I got your email
address randomly from a website listing,After careful search on the
Internet data banks for a person of caliber and pedigree and
upstanding repute,i settled for you.These accounts had been dormant
since the end of World War II (May 9, 1945). Most belonged to
Holocaust victims.The continuing efforts of the Independent Committee
of Eminent Persons (ICEP) have since resulted in the discovery of
additional dormant accounts - 54,000 in December, 1999.The published
lists contain all types of dormant accounts, including
interest-bearing savings accounts,securities accounts, safe deposit
boxes, custody accounts, and non-interest-bearing transaction
accounts.Numbered accounts are also included.Interest is paid on
accounts that were interest bearing when established.

It goes on for a few more turgid paragraphs basically hinting how I can have 40% of one of these accounts by agreeing to help him out.

Sounds like one of our US-based democraps in Congress or Hollyweird: they gotta have their hands all over something. Or someone.

Well, this email literally SCREAMED for an edit, one worthy of the subject material. One my pet rock, Seymour, was more than happy to concoct:

From: Jose Luis Echeverri <joselechwrites@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 11:05 PM
To: Judith Dengler
Subject: Please send a bodily appendage that looks like me please oh please oh PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEASE!

My name is Josie Linguini Echeverri...or it could be Judith Dengler. WTF does it matter who and what I am? I'm here for crap salad business, not objectification.

My late white male manspreading misogynist father was a member of Irresponsible Committee of Egomaniacal Persons (ICEP), the Switzerland branch of the original ICEP in the DNC located in the Clinton-owned, Obola-wrecked Democrap Party. ICEP is charged with a shitload of assorted high crimes and misdemeanors, usually in association with their close coordination with and by the Clinton Global Crimedation.

In a somewhat unrelated aside, the ICEP investigates people that have remained dormant since World War II on accounta cuz they're daid. How it was they came to be daid is up for assorted speculations – the war that was in the news at the time mighta had sumpin to do widdit – but they be daid and therefore have kinda had dormancy forced upon them as a result.

I'm eunuchversity edumacated – Berkeley -- so I can figger such stuff out between being triggered and sucking my thumb in a safe room with cupcakes and puppy videos.

It may interest you to know that in July of 1997, there were 31 days on the calendar.

Product of a pricey edumacation, that was.

I got your email address randomly from inside a stall in a public rest room in Height-Ash bury, listing you as someone who violates penguins at New Years Eve parties. After careful search on the Internet data banks for a person lower than you in the snake-spit department of integrity and non-ethics, I found only Democrats in Hollywood and Congress of your sub-caliber and pedigree and contemptible repute, so I settled for you. Al Franken's too ugly to contemplate.

Anyway, the continuing efforts of the ICEP – which ran out of funding in 1998 and continues on through Clinton Crimedation grants – have since resulted in the discovery of additional douche nozzles in the Democrat Party and Hollywood – 54,000 in December, 2017, alone. The not yet published lists contain all types of Democrap douche canoes, including lamestream mediocres at cnn and pmsnbc.

Due to the sensitive nature, I need a louver that won't drive me crazy. I need a louver that won't drive me mad. I don't know what made me write that, but my spell checker was apparently programmed by a Pat Benatar fan.

Anyway, I need YOU to hide these lists of dubiously antecedent and perverse democraps until the 2018 elections are over. Otherwise, I might be blamed for Wiki leaks getting a hold of this sh*t and more democraps winding up on the Hellary Clinton pile of defeated disreputables that should have been up 50 points in the polls between their ears and likely no where else.

Haiti doesn't want several dozens of shipping containers loaded with Onward Together t-shirts from more losing democrap crimepaigns.

All that is required is for you to do is find a good, out-of-the-way warehouse or outhouse to store all this evidence of democrap chicanery in until after 2018. Then again, until after 2020.

F**kstick, it may have to be in perpetuity. That's how bad democraps have become.

Provide me with your full name, address, and telephone. I might need to hijack your identity before this sh*t storm is over.

Please suspend all disbelief when I tell you that THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED. The ICEP has already appropriated new identities and witness protection-rated locations to hide out at when this eventually leaks out.

If you help us, you won't get one of those...but we will happily throw you under the bus while we're in hiding.

Pardon me if this is against your morals and integrity, but I'm a democrap and don't have time for any of that kind of nonsense on your part. Help me out and I won't have a bunch of George Soros-paid eunuchversity nincompoops falsely accuse you of something.

If you know what's good for you, write back to me on joselechwrites@outlook.com

Thank you for any response (not too many people are buying this schtick).
Josie Linguini Echeverri

I'm pleased to say that Jose wanted no further repartee with my character or pet rock.

But I'm sure there's a few more triggered cupcakes calling 911...

Eh...had to put a picture of something there, and this just happened to be handy.

I love how often my character gets emails from the FBI. Even moreso, when the FBI is trying to give my character money they say he's been swindled out of.

They couldn't solve Hellary's emails, but they can get my fictitious character money.

I'm sure this would have J. Edgar's feather boas molting.

At any rate, here's the ploy:

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding seized Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

Attn: To:Whom it May Concern!

Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

This email is reaching you from the office of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Chicago Division field (CFO) USA.

This message is to inform you after 8 months of thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding seized funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your seized funds calculated at total USD$35,000.000.00 (Thirty five Million US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria.

Your funds is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Abuja the capital, and we are contacting you with this confidential information, to enable you quickly receive your funds with the assistance and presence of our Agents here in Nigeria.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to dealing with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria to ensure you and every other persons involved receives your funds this time.

We shall deal directly with the Bank in charge of your payment and you deal with us directly and whatever requirements needed, we will ask you to provide immediately to us, and you will receive direct instructions/information on the necessary Bank procedures to follow from us and no one else please take note no one else!.

NOTE, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY.

Fill out your personal details on the below plain form.

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------

Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------

Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------Tel/Mobile: -----------------

kindly attach a Valid I.D copy (D/L / Int'l Passport) --------

The attached I.D badge is for Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson.

Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited.

This I.D badge is attached for your view only.

Signed By,

Special Agent in Charge,

Michael J. Anderson

Criminal Investigations Division,

Crimes & Fraud Unit

CFO(Field office)

E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com

United States of America

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify this office quickly. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named or addressed. If you are not the named/addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake, delete from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. FBI

Yup. Small wonder they didn't solve anything substantive.

So it was time for another edit, brought to you by my 'edit-gone-wild' pet rock, Seymour:

The Federal Burrito of Ingestiveness (FBI) Unit on Africa case (filed IIA-8902-F2) regarding sneezed-on Funds of Foreign Individuals and Companies 2010-Date.

Attn: Former Director Mueller, Your Thong Is Showing
Kindly Send your Response to agentaderson.m@gmail.com

This email is reaching you from the Democrapic National Committee Indoor Outhouse of Special Agent in Charge (Michael J. Anderson) in Charge of Shotcago Division field (SFO) USA.

This message is to inform you that after totally fumbling bigger investigations and allowing politics to override the rule of law, we have -- in one afternoon of coffee laced with meth -- concluded thorough investigations in Nigeria regarding sneezed-on funds of foreign Individuals and Companies. Your take of the sneezed-on funds calculated at total USD $35.00 (Thirty five US Dollars) has been retrieved from the Federal Government of Nigeria in the form of counterfeit bills cleverly disguised as toilet paper. Only some of which has been used.

We didn't think any of those clowns knew what it was. We bad.

Your pithy portion is now in allocation Bank of Nigeria in Pachooko, which according to teh Gooble Oith app is somewhere other than Liechtenstein, and we are contacting you with this confidential information to enable you to quickly wash your hands of this sordid affair and receive instead a copy of Hellary's latest book, Why Am I Not President Excuse LXXXVIII, with an authentic autograph from one of Bill's bimbo erections. It too makes for a reasonable toilet paper substitute in an emergency.

We have been informed by securities that attempts have been made for you to receive your funds, but so far you failed due to abject fumbling and bumbling on our end with the wrong people officials. We are still here in Nigeria -- several of our detail have been eaten by the locals at a gala fete which we kinda sorta should orta gone to -- and we need you to finish this up so we can get out of here before the dinner hour this time.

We shall deal directly with you and you deal with those cannibal bastard Nigerians directly and whatever requirements needed. Hey, we think that's fair. So we ask you to provide immediately to us how we can tell them how to get hold of you -- just figuratively at this point -- and no one else!

NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT PANIC IF YOU ARE INVITED TO A GALA FETE IN NIGERIA. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ATTEND IT.

Fill out your personal details on the below form.

PRINT OR TYPE IN SPECIFIED SPACES

PERSONAL INFORMATION'S

Complete Name : ------------------------------- Country Of Origin: ---------------------

Present Address : ----------------------------------- Date Of Birth : ------------------- Sex: ---------------------

With What Do You Sex: ---------------------Marital Status: --------------------Occupation: -------------------------------

Tel/Mobile: -----------------Kindly explain if you taste like chicken or not: ------------------------------

The attached I.D badge I accidentally forgot doesn't belong to Special Agent in charge, Michael J. Anderson; it belongs

to the morale goat from our Nigerian Office; her name is Lady Goatdiva.

Distributing or Editing is highly prohibited, though frequently done amongst you bastards online.

Signed By,

Special Agent in Charge,

Michael J. Anderson

Culinary Ingestiveness Division,

Online WTF Unit

OWTF (Field office)

E-mail: agentaderson.m@gmail.com

This email and any files transmitted with it are ca-ca and intended for the use of any sumbeeyotch what receives it. If you have received this email, be assured that in our eyes you're a sumbeeyotch. This message contains cornfedental information and is intended for the sumbeeyotch what got it. If you are not believing yourself to be sumbeeyotch, rest assured that we investigated you and concluded beyond any doubt that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. Please notify this office immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail and agree that, yes, you are sumbeeyotch. If you are not going to admit the obvious, we'll photoshop a picture of you with an inflatable ostrich leaving a Motel 6 in Estes Park at 3AM and sell it to Wikileaks. Yes, we will.

This latest version of the FBI was none too interested in further repartee with my character, or pet rock. But rumor has it that Bill wants to speak to him about those photoshopped photos, in case he'd like one for his collection...

The picture will make some sorta sense soon.

Moreso than the email my character got from the late Muammar Gaddafi's personal lawyer.

Uh huh.

Read it h'yar:

I am Honourable Barrister Ahmed Salam. the personal resident Attorney here in Burkina Faso to Late Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi of Libya c. 1942 – 20 October 2011. Late Mr. Muammar
Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi c. 1942 – 20 October 2011, commonly known as Colonel Gaddafi, was a Libyan former head of state, revolutionary and a politician, who died on 20 October 2011, was my
client here in Burkina Faso Africa.

My client Late Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi c. 1942 – 20
October 2011, was having a deposit sum of {thirty million four
Hundred thousand united state dollars} only ($30.4M USD) with a
security finance firm affiliated with African development bank here in
Burkina Faso.

With the above explanation’s I want to move this money from Burkina
Faso to your country, affidavit on your name, but note that this is a
deal between me and you and should not be related to anybody until the
deal is over for security reasons, please if interested reply as soon
as possible.

Thanks,
Barrister Ahmed Salam.

Are you convinced? Neither was I. Nor was my pet rock, Seymour. Nor was my character.

We flipped a coin for it...Seymour swiped the coin and I drew the edit.

"Did NOT!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Okay, so while I frisk my pet rock for the coin, here's the edit that our aggrieved Atturkey received (and kinda sorta helps explain the picture above):

From: Barr.Ahmed Salam< barrister.ahmedsalam@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 14, 2017 1:07 AM
Subject:SALAD SHOOTERS KILLED MY DEATH STAR

Attn: Sir/Madam/Gender Choice Not Therein Mentioned

I am Honourable Bannister Achmed Salamionrye. It's not easy being me.

I was the personal resident Atturkey here in Burkina Fatso to Mr. Muammar

Muhammad Abu Gesundheit al-Gaddafi, the dicktater of Libya c. 1942 – 20

October 2011. The now Late Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu Gesundheit al-

Gaddafi c. 1942 – 20 October 2011, commonly known as Colonel Douche

Camel, was a Libyan former head of state, who is of late sans head and

all that went widdit, and he was my client here in Burkina Fatso Africa.

My client Late because he's headless Mr. Muammar Muhammad Abu

Gesundheit al-Gaddafi, never paid me for my services after having hisself

shortened by a head.

Bad form, that. My services cost money, headless or not. With what

he owed me and the late fees I've applied to his bill, it now comes to

the sum of {thirty million four Hundred thousand united state dollars}.

It has been pointed out to me that since he's dead, I am not going to

collect my money from him.

But you're not dead...you can pay for his services. I was told that you'd

help me out with this because you owe reparations anyway, what with

your white privilege and all that popular political correctness sh*t that's

the rage at your Democrapic National Committee.

So pony up. Shed some of that white guilt you carry. Do that and I'll

tell Antifa not to molest your trash can with one of their abjectly

stupid signs.

Hurry, deals like this won't last.
Thanks,
Bannister Achmed Salamionrye.

I really didn't expect a response from the originating scammer on this one, but I got one:

WHAT ARE YOU

He asked...he got answered with this photo and text:

Just an atypical recipient of your email that isn't gibbon a damn about your email. What are you?

I guess the mere idea that he was trading emails with a gibbon was a bit much for the good bannister.

As for white guilt...meh.

Yet another talking desk from the UN High Commission.

It hasn't learned any better than the previous talking desks did: FREE TOASTER with EVERY SCAM wins EVERY TIME!

But...no free toaster....*BUZZZZZZER*.

Here's the effort:

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone : +1682-808-6595

Attn : Jack,

I,am Mr.Richard Lynn the newly appointed head of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.It was recently brought to my notice by the ministry of foreign affairs commission in regulation to debt,contract/inheritance management that your over due contract payment total sum of US$20,500,000.00 that was supposed to be released by the Rhochevilles Western Bank has been recently placed on holed by the authority to regulate monitory policies attached to International transfer of funds.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my investigation lately and realize that your paying Bank did not emply the proper agencies that is in position to endorse your final fund release authority therby making the government to raise eyebrow by putting a stop order of the said fund to protect you from any breach of the law against Money laundry

act or terrorism.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United antion High commission has been officially assigned to handle issue related to the transfer/delivery of your payment with your payment Bank and will also guide and protect your interest pending when you have confirmed and receive payment/transfer of your fund.

Note,that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from anyone or group of people claiming to have the said payment in their possession to prevent impostors/hoodlums taking adavantage of you.

All legal modalities and document's attached to the release of your payment will be procurred and endorsed by the United Nations High Commission's before presenting them to the Bank for immediate release of your payment but you must ensure to reconfirm the information's listed below for onward processing of this exercise in your favor.

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

Information's contained in this message are highly confidential for security purposes you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert a thrid party from hijacking your payment.

Confirm receipt of this message and get back to us immediately or call as a matter of urgency.

Dr.Richard Lynn

Instead of any chance of back 'n forth, I opted for an edit that at least made passing mention of the free toaster:

From: Richard Lynn <un.teamsecretary@hotmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2017 3:50 PM
To: longnecked.mofo.gopherpokers101@hotmail.com
Subject:A desk -- yes, furniture -- is about to tell you what the moron sitting behind it can't from United Nations High Commission

From the desk of Dr. Richard Lynn

one stupid useless mofo occupying space

United Nation High Commission

405 East 42nd Street, New York

Email : info.unhighcommission01@gmail.com

Phone : +1682-808-6595

Attn :

I am the inanimate desk of the abject dunce, Mr. Richard Lynn, who because he had pictures of the UN genital suckretary leaving a Motel 6 at 3:45AM with a yak and inflatable Hellary sex toy, is the newly appointed head-up-ass of operation United Nation High Commission west African region.

I needed oxygen after just reading that, and I'm a f**king desk.

It was recently brought to my notice by the menstrual activities of Mr. Richard Lynn, that he was Mrs. Virginia Slim until hearing Ashley Judd go Hellary Clinton on a twat waffle. That's when she decided to did it.

It really don't pay to be a desk in places like this or around Bill Clinton.

As a desk, I was supposed to inform you of some batshit cra-cra about a ministry of foreign affairs with goats or sheep or some other kinky sh*t commission, and how regulation to douche nozzles means little more than a three peckered goat being turned loose in a ewe convent under contract or some such hooha. It's all in the disclaimer that isn't attached to this email because I'm a desk not a gawddamned f**king lawyer of dubious antecedence that gives away a free toaster for the first consultation. Anyway, you didn't inheritance, inheritize or inherent anything that management can't treat with double shots of tequila after work...or even during it.

If you've never heard of the Rhochevilles Western Bank, relax; not even I had before this. I think it's Polish and located in Uganda. They had an apple..and a pen...apple pen...uhh.

hOwever,I have thoroughyly done my best desk investigation lately and realize that none of this sh*t makes one cat crazy ounce of sense. Kinda like saying "what?" and some fat guy with a bat yelling "second base!" But did you know -- and I bet you didn't because I'm telling you something that my menstrual sitter just made up -- that your paying Bank did not know that fallopian tubes were NOT used for firing mortars at enema positions in Liechtenstein? Or that they had a Money laundry there that guaranteed one day turn around on all your counterfeit bills, petes and other names.

Some consider that an act or terrorism. I consider terrorism anytime someone sitting at me farts.

Henceforth,it is important for you to note that the United Nation High commission has been fired and sent to North Korea to wind up in Kim Jong Il's shark tank with what's left of Hans Brix.

Yeah, I saw that movie too, and agree that Pearl Harbor and Ben Afflac sucked. Him and his pervert friend Harvey.

Note that you must report and forward any further correspondence you receive from female desks that I might find RrroWWWR Rrrowwrr. Just cuz I'm a desk don't mean I don't like to get some inserts now and again. Roll tops...kinky.

All legal modalities and documents attached to a house cat will be shredded in short order. So don't do that. If you want ANY of this to come out in your favor, drop the mouse and back away from your email slowly. Otherwise, send me the following sh*t:

1.Your full names and address

2.Age and occupation

3.A copy of your drivers license or passport for proper identification

4.Next of kin name and age

5.Private mobile numbers for easy communication

6. A picture of you in a tutu that's way too small

Informations contained in this message are highly cornfoluted for suckurity purposes and you are been advised to keep this transaction urtmost secrecy to avert having a thrid party send you to a 72 hour health hold because you were stupid enough to tell them you're following the instructions of a desk.

Confirm receipt of this message in Azerbaijani and get back to us immediately with the 13th astrological sign known as Gorkus, signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air. Which pretty much sums up where I as a desk am.

From the desk of Dr.Richard Lynn, formerly Dr. Virginia Slim

forever dubiously antecedent.

Nothing seems to kill correspondence from desks that the UN faster than an edit like that. Maybe next time they'll include an offer of a free toaster.

What red blooded male wouldn't want to find a bottle, open it, and have HER come out?

Okay, a few of the obvious ones.

But a scammer never saw this angle coming. Or breathing hard.

Get a load of a scammer who claims to be a genealogist, and found my character's name might have a connection to a wealthy estate:

Greetings from Mark & Woods Ltd,

Mark & Woods Genealogical Investigators specializes in probate research to locate missing heirs and beneficiaries to estates in the United Kingdom and Europe.

We can also help you find wills, obtain copies of certificates, help you to administer an estate, as well as calculating how an estate, intestacy or trust should be distributed.

You may be entitled to a large pay out for an inheritance in the Europe worth US$9.2 million. We have discovered an estate belonging to a deceased, which has remained unclaimed since he died in 2006 and we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living relative to the deceased we can find.

You may unknowingly be the heir of this person who died without leaving a will (intestate). We will conduct a probate research to prove your entitlement, and can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you.

Our service fee of 10% of the Estate and will only be paid to us after you have received the estate. The estate transfer process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to get this done very quickly. This message may come to you as a shock; however we hope to work with you to transfer the estate to you as quickly as possible.

Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. mark Craig on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further discussions.

With warm regards,

Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.

Mark & Woods Ltd.

Righhhhht. My character's name came up in THEIR genealogical search for a multi-million dollar estate overseas.

Only a dolt that thinks Hellary Clinton is the smartest woman on Earth would fall for that.

So it was time for an edit...one that played on the service the scammer claimed to be providing. Just not how it was bein' offered:

Greetings from Marked & Other Woods Ltd,

Marked & Other Woods Ltd Genie-ological Investigators specializes in prostrate research to locate missing genies stuck in bottles, boxes, botas, bongs...from the Middle East to the Far East, Near East, the East United Kingdom and...well, f**k...the western parts of alla dem too.

We can also help you find wills, won'ts, whyfornots, photoshop copies of certificates, help you to administer an enema, as well as calculating how an enema -- in or out -- should be distributed.

You may be entitled to largesse beyond your wildest dreams if you find a real genie. If you find something that looks like Osama bin Laden...well, that's a bottle you shoulda put down and backed away from really slowly, since that foulness on his breath is his 72 virgin camels and fact is..they weren't virgin.

We have discovered an estate with a container that kinda sorta looks a little tad bit like there might be a genie therein it; of course, it could also be an unopened bottle of Boone's Farm Blue, circa 1969, that is just waiting to be opened to unleash the grapes of wrath...which at 99 cents a bottle, would be rather wrathful being bottled up since '69.

At any rate, we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living bone head to take a chance on opening the container we can find.

You may unknowingly be the heir of I Dream Of Jeannie, circa 1969; or a demonic wildebeest hairball, which is what Boone's Farm is allegedly distilled from.

We will conduct a prostate research to prove you have one and are therefore entitled to a shot at the container, and what ecstasy or agonies it contains therein. What's more, we can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you until you open it.

At that, we be outta there in case it's the demonic wildebeest hairball.

Our service fee of 10% of what a genie grants you for your first wish will only be paid to us after you have found that it IS a genie in the container and not a demonic wildebeest hairball. We waive all fees if it's the latter. In fact, we don't know you...we never knew you...just who in the f**k ARE you?

The process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to monumentally screw the pooch very quickly if it's a negative outcome. At that point, what's negative that came out is all yours.

This message may come to you as a shock; all that much more if it's a demonic wildebeest hairball in that thing.

Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. Mark Craig who has a mondo hard-on, hoping it's Jeannie in there, on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further disgusting nonsense.

With regards of likely dubious sorts,

Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO.
Marked & Other Woods Ltd"We dream of Jeannies; we f**king FREAK at demonic wildebeest hairballs!"

The scammer genealogist quickly decided that a follow up contact with my character was NOT in his best interest. I'm sure the picture of that hairball did it...

2017 has been one for the books.

And tweets.

And total implosions on the Left. Along with a fair number on the Right.

Now, in keeping with all the rage in the American lamestream servile mediocre world of fauxjournalism, the North Korean douche canoe, Kim Jong Un, adds his hash tag to the mix:

#me-too

He has accused Kanye West of indecency with him and presents these photos as proof.

No, he doesn't say WHEN or WHERE or WHY or even a Korean version of WTF. He just insists that the "photos speak for themserves".

If he sees any photos of Al Franken grabbing for his photo shops, he'll accuse him as well.

"Photos don't rie" Un insists.

Well, Kimster, some photos don't "rie":

And some photos kinda sorta do:

Again...some photos don't "rie":

And some photos...kinda sorta do:

Don't "rie":

Do "rie":

Don't "rie":

Do "rie":

Incidentally, it was my pet rock, Seymour, that insisted we help Kim Jong Un understand the difference between believable photos and touched up ones.

"Did NOT!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

And on THAT note, Happy New Year, folks. Not that I expect 2018 to be one whit better. Only weirder.

You tell 'em, Oddball.

Negative waves didn't get it done in 1970, and they're no more woof woof in 2018.

But "General" David Rodriguez had to learn that the hard way. Kinda like Moriarty.

Here was the opening gambit by the 'General':

I’m Gen.David Rodriguez from united state, I serve under the United Nations department of safety and security (UNDSS) in Syria, I came across some money that was parked in a trunk box and the money is worth $10.5million, in one of President Bashar al-Assads allies house and I have moved the money out to a Global Delivery Company as a medical equipment, I`m looking for a trust worthy person that i can trust the above money with him or her for safe keeping pending when my arrival to your country for investment in a profitable business.I will reward you with %25 of the total sum.

If you can help me to receive the trunk box in your country,kindly get back to me through my Email,( gendavidrodrigueez@gmail.com ) and if you are not ready for the assistance please and please do not let this be known to the world, for the security of my work in US Army.

send to me these information's:

NAME IN FULL:...............
ADDRESS:...............
NATIONALITY:...........
AGE:..................
OCCUPATION:................
PHONE......................

Yours sincerely.
Gen.David Rodriguez.

Sounds convincing, don't he?

*snort*

Let's see how his reading comprehension is:

I could tell that you're a genital from the united state. It's all in your military bearing and lingo.

Asked and answered:

Hi Dear,

My Greetings to you.

I`m deeply indebted for your responds to my message and I wish to see
you in person one good day. because once you received the Trunk Box
from the delivery company, i will immediately take permission from my
superior, and come over to you, so that both of us will plan on how
to invest this money in a good business. Attached with this mail are
my pictures also my Id card for your view and record keeping, i will
also want to see yours as well.

Meanwhile,Please fill in your full name on the two spaces and send the
message to the Global Delivery Company for them to commence on the
delivery to your destination without further delay. Also let me know
and send copy of the message to me as soon as you send it to the
company.

Global Delivery Company email address: ( globalfirmw@financier.com )

Best Wishes.
General, David Rodriguez.

.........................................................

Dear Sir,

My name is………………………………from………………………………a friend of. General David
Rodriguez, of US Army in Syria & I am contacting in Respect of His
Trunk Box, which is under the Global Delivery Company Custody. I have
been authorized to receive it here in my country. Please send me the
details on how to receive the trunk box and I will get back to you as
soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............
(B) Address:................
(C) Phone Number:......

Treat as urgent.

My regards.

He even tried to buttress his cred with a photo ID:

And a photo of his with the former doofus in chief:

Not only did it fail in epic proportions, ol' Georgie Patton would have slapped this yutz all the way back to Sicily.

Instead, I decided to channel Oddball, when I edited the email I was supposed to send to the Global Delivery Company:

Dear Sir,

My name is………Kelly………………………from………US Army………………………working for Genital David Rodriguez, of US Army in France and I am leading a ragtag platoon to a bank in

Claremont -- the Genital's staff pronounces it "Clarmon" -- where there's 16 million in

gold just waiting to be picked up.

Crapgame is going with us because such a venture needs a sound financial mind along in case there's a bonus. And a lot of help carrying the .30 caliber machine gun.

Oddball is going to join us providing armored support since he's been holding himself in reserve, in case the krauts launch an offensive that threatens Paris, or maybe even New York, then he

can move in and stop them.

But for $16 million dollars, he and his men can become heroes for three days. Big Joe lends a good head for tactics, and because they always need a loud mouth sergeant for stuff like this. I have been authorized to receive it here in my country but since it's in a bank behind enema lines, it could be the perfect crime this way. Please send me the details on how to drink wine, eat cheese and catch

some rays, y'know. Do that and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

(A) Full Name:.............Kelly
(B) Address:................US Army
(C) Phone Number:......once I get to Masseureaux I can call you with dat

Treat as urgent.

My regards.

Kelly 'n his 'heroes'

As unmilitary as the 'Genital' sounded, perhaps my edit of his letter to the delivery company sounded a little bit too much so.

At any rate, all the positive waves he might have had about that mother beautiful bridge still being there...went negative when it weren't. And while the 'Genital' might blame me for that, I naturally refer him to Moriarity, the master of the negative waves.

Welcome to 2018. Woof woof woof. That's his other dawg imitation.

2018 was not going to go on long before my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, took his customary poke at North Korean douche nozzle Kim Jong Un, after Un was particularly stupid in comments he made about his nation's nuclear capabilities.

It delighted Seymour that the POTUS was quick to seize on Kim Jong Un's delusions, and tweet about them.

So Seymour donned his editor hat and went to town thus:

North Korea Fouls Itself after Twitter Exchange Between Their Supreme Pudginator and the American POTUS
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

Forget reaching the US mainland, numerous errant North Korean missiles go rogue all the time and blow up a city not far from the capital, Pyongyang, according to a report.

A WTFWongWithDat-12 intermediate-range ballistic missile turned itself into a very-short-range Taco Bell burrito fart when it failed during a test flight on April 28, 2017, and slammed into the city of Tokchon, according to The DOH! magazine.

The missile, which was launched from the Won Puk Dung airfield, flew like a drunken sea gull just 24 miles before taking a nosedive and striking a complex of industrial or outhouse buildings, the mag reported.

According to a US government source with knowledge of Nancy Pelosi's brand of botox, the missile’s designer has been executed by Kim Jong Un a minute after the errant flight.

The location of the missile’s impact was revealed exclusively to The DOH! which said it corroborated the flub using commercially unavailable satellite imagery that bounced off Stephen Colbert's ears in May 2017.

Although the images show that the explosion caused heavy damage in the heavily populated area, there is no way to tell if it led to casualties because no one's talking among those it fell on.

Had the missile successfully completed its test flight, it would have landed in the northern part of Wonsan.

Various media outlets around the world suppressed reports about the failed test — the third involving the WTFWongWithDat-12 — at the time because details about where the missile fell could not be massaged into a "blame Trump" narrative even after Wikileaks leaked it from the Russians who leaked it from the Clinton Globull Initiative Floundation, who got it from abject nincompoops at cnn.

Fearing such a frop, North Korean despot Kim Jong Un chose to claim that the missile came down right were it was supposed to.

“ I never riked that town anyway” North Korean media source KGAG reported Kim as saying after the frub. The reclusive regime now uses several new test sites, including Pyongyang’s Dennis Rodman Airport, which also serves as the country’s McDonalds Quarter Pounder with Cheese delivery hub and entry point for most non-thinking visitors.

Despite several failures, a WTFWongWithDat-12 continues to be tested and will continue to be tested until it quits blowing up portions of North Korea and starts killing fish at sea.

North Korea’s aggressive failed missile testing ratcheted up tensions between Pyongyang and Washington only because during a televised speech, Kim declared: “The United States can never fight a war against me and our state. It should properly know that the whole territory of the US is within the range of our nuclear strike and a nuclear button is always on the desk of my office, and this is just a reality, not a threat.”

President Trump was quick to tweak the North Korean pudgmeister.

“North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the ‘Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.’ Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”

Upon hearing that, Kim Jong Un fired and executed his entire public relations staff, and is now rumored to be working on hiring Hellary Clinton's crimepaign staff from 2016, at the behest of cnn.

At this rate, I'm not sure who'll be targeting Seymour next...Kim Jong Un or the nincompoops at cnn.

2018 hasn't changed a bit.

Not so far as scammer emails go. Just as peculiar as always.

Take this one, titled as it was from a most unusually named scamstress of dubious everythingdence:

In accordance to my religious persuasion, I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of (Mr.Anthony and Mr. Hassan ) from Ministry Of Finance to divert your funds to their designated account in Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to divert the funds due to their inability to provide an adequate identity of the funds, they now moved the funds down to Africa and hide it in a security company in other to buy time to enable them embezzle the funds at their own convenient time, but God stopped them.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, Miami Finance Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the fund from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they are about to reroute the funds to a security company in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver the strict IMF money laundering regulatory orders. With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this development. They are still using your name and contract/inheritance identification number as the beneficiary but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by delaying the transfer of your funds to you, so in order to buy time pending on when they will transfer your funds to their designated account.

I have the reference number of the transaction and also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge at the SECURITY COMPANY. Your payment is supposed to go through the Euro-Asia Credit Control Financial Clearing Department before final Lodgement into the security company. All the data/information about your funds file are within my reach. I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! I will send you the reference number, the name and contact information of the officials of the security company were they kept your funds in Republique Du Benin when I receive your response. I repeat, please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here and I cannot contend with these powerful individuals because they can eliminate me.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often.

God bless you,
Molly Variant Of Mary

My pet rock, Seymour, said that this one was way too peculiar for him to edit.

"Did NOT!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

At any rate, I turned it over to my primary character that loves to respond to these with edits as off the wall as Seymour ever is:

From: In accordance to my religious persuasion <mr.john_fkelly@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, November 27, 2017 6:49 AM
Subject:In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats

Hello douche of my wet dreams,

In accordance to my religious persuasion's perverse practices with sheep and kumquats. I felt expedient to write and inform you on the wicked conspiracy hatched by the duo of Mr. Fast Marc Antony and Mr. Fingering Self Hassan from Ministry Of Menstrual Queefs to divert your family's long ancestral history of collecting lacquered sea gull dung in the Cayman Island but unfortunately, they begin to find it difficult to do anything with this collection because there is such a global dearth of interest in shit like that. So they decided to move the collection to Africa and hide it in a security facility guarded by a company of Samsonite luggage destroying apes to buy time to enable them to find something worthy to embezzle at their own convenient time, but God stopped them with one of the most gnarly farts the cosmos has ever seed.

From my position as a lowly clerk in this office, The Greater Miami Finance of Lacquered Feces Department (444 SW 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33130, USA), I discovered that the duo criminals moved the collection from United States to China, and then moved it again to Banco Italiano in ITALY, only to move it to Vaduz in LIECHTENSTEIN, from whenst they then had it shipped to North Korea as a shipment of McDonalds Quarter Pounders with Cheese. Yesterday, I found out through the Central computer database that they had to quickly get the shipment out of North Korea because Kim Jong Un heard about it and showed up with a napkin and a grain shovel and honnnnngry like the wolf. Now they have the collection ensconced in a vault in in Republique Du Benin where they will be able to maneuver around age and primate restrictions under the strict IMF lacquered sea gull dung laundering regulatory orders.

With this, I felt that it is important for me to alert you on this underdevelopment and suggest that a good used Yugo might be the better option.

They are still using your name and identification number which they purchased at a lice market in Sheboygan but they have changed the account co-ordinate and this is the reason why they are frustrating you by now planning to ship the collection to Tahiti in order to buy time in which to figure out WTF got them into this dog 'n pony crotch show in the first place and buy them additional time to try for something a bit more fiscally feasible, like finding a Syrian football team that will hire Colin Kaepernick.

I have the reference number and photos of the two leaving a Motel 6 in Chappaqua with Hellary Clinton and an inflatable Harvey Weinstein at 3am on November 10 of this year; also I have the number of the official who is directly in charge of that Motel 6 who has a set of the same pictures. Mine are cheaper but you better hurry because Bill Clinton has offered me two female intern genital humidors in exchange for the photos and a date with my executive secretary.

Incredible as all this sounds, there's more: act now and at a nominal extra charge you can get a free 30 minute consultation with our attorney, Steve Dallas, when you are accused of sexual harassment 45 years ago at a bar in Butte, Montana, by someone you were sure was a sheep in that bar lighting, and now thinks you resemble Al Franken.

God tells me that I do not need gratification from you either in cash or kind. I can never be a part of evil because the bible said YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND FIND THAT GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY IS MORE FUN AFTER A COUPLE TEQUILAS. However, if you want to pay me for bailing you out of all this shit, send me $500 and a picture of Kathy Griffin getting groped by Al Franken. I'm strangely turned on by ugly women like her.

Please respect my discretion in this matter! Please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get employment around here since Hellary lost her pull at the DNC after I helped Wikileaks get her emails and conveniently blamed the Russians for that. Hellary has a knack of leaving a trail of smashed lamps and hit orders in her angry wake, when she's not falling down and committing verbal gaffes during moments outside her personal asylum for the criminally Clinton.

You are advice to reply me immediately at (mollyvariantofmary@aol.com) as I access this e-mail more often...at least until I read what you dun to my email, Ma.

Gesundloose,
Molly Variant Of Mary

Other variants available for primate showings; to request that email the above and say the code phrase cnn sucks.

Rumor has it that Gloria Allred will be representing that bar-lit sheep in an upcoming press CONNference, and Al Franken is starting to worry about his chances of surviving Hellary in 2020.

In a couple of recent online articles, Russia's Vladimir "Rootin' Tootin'" Putin speculated that in the verbal exchange between North Korean pudgepot Kim Jong Un and American POTUS Donald Trump over whose got the best button, Un won the skirmish.

Righhhhhhhhht.

And Hellary Clinton is president.

My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to miss an opportunity to tweak the North Korean leader of dubious antecedence -- felt that it was once again time for a little creative editing in the wake of ol' Vlad's drivel.

Anonymous Sources In North Korea Tell of Anti-aircraft Gun Ammo Shortages Due In Part To Buttons

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

January 11, 2018

Anonymous sources in North Korea – outside of government, as there can be no others – report that the North Korean Air Defense Command (OHPHUK) reported to government officials a severe shortage of anti-aircraft weapons ammunition of all calibers recently after a military readiness exercise revealed no readiness whatsoever when none of the guns were able to fire on towed targets.

South Korea’s spy agency unveiled what they believe to be the reason: executions by anti-aircraft gun have become SOP for the Imperious Leader, Kim Jong Un, exhausting the supply.

And the tempo of executions is being stepped up in the wake of Kim Jong Un's rage over finding out that his nuclear button isn't bigger than American president Donald Trump's, let alone the fact that President Trump's button works.

Kim Jong Un wants President Trump's button...

Kim pulled out the anti-aircraft gun for the execution of five senior officials, charged with submitting false progress reports on the status of Kim Jong Un's desk mounted nuclear button, according to South Korea’s National Intelligence Service (NIS).

North Korea anonymous sources say that after hearing what he considered to be a vainglorious boast by President Trump, Kim Jong Un rushed back to his desk to test his button, only to find that it didn't work.

Only one missile launched, and all it did was take out a fertilizer factory outside of Wonsan.

Afterward, as Kim Jong Un sat at his desk, morosely and repeatedly pushing his “useress button”, he ordered the executions of the five men responsible for the over optimistic report. This was in addition to the 2,000 persons of various positions and roles throughout the country that Kim Jong Un demanded be executed via the guns in the weeks previous.

“I have a quota to keep” Un was heard to mutter as he continued morosely depressing his “useress button”.

The false data provided by the officials is in response to the state of “enraged” they face when reporting truth and accuracy to the young despot Kim Jong-un. “They simply can't win” said a source with South Korea's NIS.

The NIS did not reveal how it obtained information regarding the most recent executions other than by the noise coming from well inside the so-called 'demilitarized zone' north of the 38^th Parallel. As inside information about the internal affairs of the reclusive North Korean state is hard to come by, the accuracy of such reports is usually supplemented by the sound of anti-aircraft gun fire to a certain -- okay, a large -- extent.

Kim Jong Un reportedly has an affinity for killing people with anti-aircraft guns, since his demand for the high energy plasma weapon used in an old Star Trek episode (TOS) by Romulans has not yet been made available by North Korean scientists.

Experiments with his other idea -- a ramped up Salad Shooter -- was a "totar frop", costing North Korea more weapons scientists.

Since he took power in 2011, Kim Jong-un is suspected to have executed at least 300,000 people, among which are around 140 senior officials, in an attempt to secure his grip on unreality.

While Kim has a certain love for the anti-aircraft gun, North Korea has many execution methods. Some people have been sat on by a 500 pound Korean dressed to look like Hellary Clinton, and others have been executed by being put in a secure room 24/7 and forced to listen to William Shatner sing. Former Vice Minister of the Army Kim Chol and former Deputy Defense Minister Kim Yong Chun were obliterated by being forced to watch The View. Former Deputy Minister of Public Security O Sang-hon was forced to receive tweets from Nancy Pelosi until he turned an anti-aircraft gun on himself.

Seymour is absolutely no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a cameo in Team America World Police II, if it's ever made.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Danged if that didn't sound just like a North Korean anti-aircraft gun...

The scammer clearly didn't think this one through. Or perhaps he just didn't think it beyond the first firing synapse.

In any event, it was a *FAIL* from the git go.

I think you'll see why as you review his ploy:

DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY

Sir,

...

We write to inform you concerning the fax message we received from the
United Nations Group about your Overdue failed payments transfer which
several files were submitted to us for proper verification and
gratification.

This will also interest you to know that your payment file was included
which valued $15.5M only, as we have tried every possible means to contact
with you but it became futile.

Without much procrastination,we would like you to preview us with your
verdict about the failed payment on your won side,though we have got some
clues from the UN as we still reserve that respect to know from you
concerning the upsurge so that we could make that reconciliation

accordingly enable you receive your payment.
Finally,you are herein implore to quickly upon receipt of this mail,get in
touch with us for proper payment direction and formation accordingly as
further procrastination would deprive you of the exercise.

Truly Your's

Dr James A. Bond
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY

DEPARTMENT OF THE PLEURISY

Sir/Ma'am/Gender Neutral Appropriate,

...

I took pen in hand and forgot that Q turned it into a small nuclear device

capable of rearranging Newark in a manure that has been in several of my

movies...so after rehab and a sh*tload of make up, I'm back on a note pad

that Q has not put any gadgetry into yet. I hope.

We write to inform you concerning the fax message we received from the

United Nations Group about the evil empire, SPECTATOR – a small tater in

some venues – that you have overdue barking tickets because your pet cat

with self identity issues has been balancing near a civil defense siren at 3am

and using it as a bullhorn to demonstrate his other dog imitation near the

park.

WTF is up with that please?

You're overdue for proper verification and gratification and I hope you

don't hold all my previous movie liaisons with starlets or the exhaust

pipe of that Yugo in Miami (reference my movie, The Fly That Bugged Me)

against me when we get around to that. But I digress.

This will also interest you to know that your payment file was included

in a McDonalds Happy Meal which was delivered to Kim Jong Un two

weeks ago and sent him off on another one of his rants which ended by

his ordering the execution of the Happy Meal by him eating it. Unfortunately,

he ate your payment file and little figurine of Ronald McDonald doing

something unspeakable to a kumquat at the same time.

He's still mad about that.

Without much procrastination, we would like you to preview us with your

verdict about the movie when I save the world from Uranus using a

Q inspired Salad Shooter upgrade and music by Weird Al Yankedhisvic.

My boss O – M retired and became a fan dancer at the Copa CaWTF in

Pahrump, NV – have got some clues from the UN as to what the

definition of frappachinoflatulatoryexpostfacto is, but we still reserve

that respect to know from you concerning the upsurge so that we could

make one without wiping out Broomfield.

Finally, you are herein implored to quickly upon receipt of this mail,

not turn it over some yutz with a pet rock for denigrating editing,

because that bastard does this to us all the time, and it hurts our very

sensitive feelings. What's more – no relation to Roger – further

procrastination would deprive you of the exercise that causes toe

cramps.

Truly.

I have the honor to be this week,

Dr James A. Bond
DEPARTMENT OF THE PLEURISY

..next week I might be an army genital in Liechtenstein with an offer you can't refuse...

Bond...Dr. A Bond...didn't bother to reply. I seriously doubt that SPECTATOR will, either.

A couple Saturdays ago, this reaction was probably replicated perhaps thousands of times in Hawaii.

Some dunce there "pushed the wrong button" during an EAS test, sending out a missile attack alert to the islands via assorted media sources.

See a possible suspect below.

Meanwhile, it took in some cases 38 minutes to clarify that it was a boo-boo.

Let's face it...an actual nuclear attack isn't funny. The threat of one isn't funny. Countries that threaten to launch them on a regular basis -- aka, North Korea -- aren't funny.

Except when depicted by South Park.

That said, some of the substandard media outlets -- echoing their substandard allies in politics and Hollyweird -- weren't long in trying to blame some aspect of the mistake on President Trump.

My pet rock, Seymour, found that hugely amusing. So much so, it was time for him to don his "editing gone wild" hat again, and have at the lamestream mediocres and their dubious antecedent allies:

Missile threat alert for Hawaii a false alarm; fecal tsunami that alert triggered was not; Unhinged leftists blame Trump, demand US surrender to North Korea

By Seymour PetRock

Washington (WTFNS)An emergency alert notification sent out on Saturday claiming a "ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii" proved to be a false alarm, according to leftist activists, who blamed it on President Donald Trump, and began demands that surrender negotiations be immediately started with North Korean butt polyp Kim Jong Un.

"BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL," the emergency alert read.

While the message made no sense to the thousands of low information democrats, it caused practically no concern on social media as it interfered with all the tweets about Hollyweird awards to themselves, and Twitter's anti-conservative 'shadow' algorithm clamped down on it, sending out instead a tweet about celebrating octosexual hamsters.

Hawaii Gov. David Ige told WTFNS that human fouling errors increased several million percent during the alert.

"It will take us quite sometime for island Walmarts to restock their Depends aisles," he said.

The warning went out to television and radio as well as via cell phones, CB radios, semaphore, Morse code and a few hundred thousand “Aww f***”s, Ige added.

Ige also tweeted that he is meeting with top EPA clean up experts to help with his office.

Hawaii Emergency Management Agency sent this out at 0808 island time.

A second emergency alert was sent to phones in Hawaii 3 minutes after the initial message confirming a “fecal tsunami warning” alert for the whole of the islands. Then came the false alarm.

WTFNS was told by a viewer in Hawaii that the initial threat warning and the “fecal tsunami warning” message came three minutes apart, followed by the false alarm more than 30 minutes later.

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard posted to Twitter soon after the initial alert the message “F***STICK!”

Some Government officials overreact

President Donald Trump was kept abreast of events by his advisers, which triggered Hollyweird to shriek about sexual harassment and schedule another awards show to calm themselves with.

Democrap Party lightweights Nancy Bela Pelosi, Dick DUHBan, MaxiPad Waters and others issued statements that varied between demands for President Trump's impeachment and totally unintelligible statements that reveal accelerated brain atrophy was and is perfectly at home among the party elites. House representative from Georgia, Hank Johnson (Dumbass), issued a statement to the effect of “still laughing at me about Guam tipping over? Not so funny now, huh?”
Yes, Hank; it's still funny.

The FBI's Strategic Information and Operations Center – still trying to put together another Trump dossier since the Russian one is imploding -- was at a Parcheesi tournament in Newark, a US official told WTFNS, and couldn't be disturbed until Monday.

In addition, the Federal Communications Commission is nonplussed about the “fecal tsunami warning” and are investigating that part of the incident, FCC sources tweeted.

How does the military track missile launches?

Most of the media at outlets like cnn and msnbc are too stupid to be able to explain this, so we'll just say that the military has its ways.

On Saturday evening, former Chicago Bears defensive mass William Refrigerator Perry warned it wasn't out of the realm of possibility that a fecal tsunami alert could start by accident if such warnings happen in the future.

"The risk of accidental fecal tsunamis are not hypothetical – look what happened on a South Park episode when a 'brown note' was inserted in music for a world wide recorder concert," tweeted Perry, who served under former coach Mike Ditka. "When the lives of millions are at risk, we must do more than just hope that there's enough Depends on hand."

No one can say why The 'Frig was interviewed for this article.

What will state officials do now?

State officials said in a news conference Saturday they are currently demanding that President Trump open surrender negotiations with North Korean butt polyp Kim Jong Un, before Un leads Hawaii to self-destroy by causing another and wider spread “inland fecal tsunami”.

“We must surrender NOW, before the North Koreans destroy us all” said a spokesdork for Antifa, the DNC, BLM, Vaginas R Us, the Hellary Globull Crimedation, cnn, msnbc, abc, cbs, nbc, the nyt, washpo, Vox, Pox, Sox, Sux and all the other little snowflakes across college campuses who feared losing their cupcakes and safe zones. Officials also said they are reviewing why some sirens on the island were triggered by the fecal tsunami alert when they should have been triggered by an NRA TV ad, and why some people did not have their NFL playoff games interrupted by South Park's world-wide recorder concert/brown note episode.

"Today is a day that most of us will never forget. A day when many in our community thought our worst fecal nightmare had come to pass," Ige said, adding "I know first-hand that what happened today was totally unacceptable, just as it was in that South Park 'brown note' episode. I'm calling in Hawaii 5-0 to investigate this."

Jack Lord could not be reached for comment. Seems he died a few years ago.

WTFNS's Ben Dover, Myra Manes, Jack N Ewehoff, Moose 'n Squirrel, Frank Unsteen and a turkey hiding under a lampshade contributed to this report.

I don't see Seymour any closer to his dream of a Pulitzer here.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

But I do see him being offered a job to be the fecal tsunami alert system.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

LOL...not really.

But the email my character received claimed to be from Melania Trump.

Might be another Russian ploy.

Ettu, Hellary?

At any rate, here's "Melania" to my character:

I am Mrs.Melania Trump and I am written to inform you about your Bank Check Draft brought by United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic to the white house Washington DC and has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Monday,being,November 13th, 2017 as soon as you get back to me with your below information.

Home address:.............................
City:...................................
Phone number.........................

You check is containing the sum of $60 million USD.
Here is my number.(206) 429-7944) you can call me or send me an sms,
but i prefer sms because I'm always busy in the white house and i cant
be able to pick calls all the time.

I will be waiting to hear from you immediately, thanks and God bless you.

Remain Blessed,
Yours faithfully
Mrs.Melania Trump

I'm not thinking that such largess exists from POTUS or Benin. Then again, I'm a stick in the mud cynic. As is my character, who turns to an old theme to freshen up the 'Foist Lady' email a tadski:

From: mrs. melaniatrump<mrs_melania_trump@outlook.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 7, 2017 12:28 PM
Subject:Urgent Respond About Moose 'n Squirrel

I am Mrs. Melania Trump and you're knot.

No, I am never watched Saturn Day Knights Lite.

I am written to inform you about your knowledges about the whenaborts of

the infamous Moose 'n Squirrel that Comrades Boris and Natasha hasn't not

yet brought to borscht even with the help of Fearless Leader.

I mean, WTFski? It's a moose 'n squirrel...not 007 and Emma Peel.

Georgely, they have more success with DNC and Wicked Witch of

Chappaqua. Why we pay her hornyak spouse $500,000 to have

speaks about his female intern genital humidor collection and

what the definition of "is" is, this completely mistystruates me.

But I undress.

When we invade show of Moose 'n Squirrel we hijack the whaleback

machine to find a Blank Czech Draft brought by New England

Patriarchs for a 2nd round player and 3 round to be considered

in exchange for smoked oysters. The question being here today,

who smoked the oysters and do they have as much the nicotine

and carsalesagens as cigarests?

This cause me much the lost sleeps at work.

United Douche Nozzles from the government of Benin Republic

brought you this email and remind you not to mistaken gasoline

for Listerine when you do oral care with Olga.

Why you'd do Olga is beyond Sons of Dune and any trialgies therefour, five

six or whatevergreen the number, which can't be one cause it's lonely.

It might not has to be if it hasn't used gasoline as I typecastored atrout

priorly.

Washington DC has been mandated to be deliver to your address on

Monday, being, November 13th, 2017, as soon as possum bull, a

farter skit to remove commas from your texts. So tell me this the

below please and spank you:

Home address:.............................

If home not wear a dress, what it wear:...............................
City where they do that:...................................
Phone number (not how manys you gots please...not looking for funny mans):.........................

Your Czech -- named John Jacob Wisenheimer Smith, which isn't not my

name too -- is impatiently waiting in a phone birth at the Prague Airport

for someone to give him the number for a good time with Olga. It is

has been decide that you do that so tell him it's (206) 429-7944.

You can call me an sms, but if you do, it will hurts my felines and this

are not politically carwrecked, so said Simon to Schuster about the

Wicked Witch of Chappaqua and her latest book, "What Happened --

Revision 76 And Counting".

Personably, I licked when she blamed me because of my stiletto heels

and my inflatable sex toy sells at five gazillion times the rate of hers.

Though I know a yak farm in upstate Siberia gives her three hooves up.

They tried four and kept falling over.

I will be waiting to hear from you immediately so I can standunder how

this email was receipted. Thanks and God bless you if you sneezed. If

you is atheist and sneezed, don't do it face down in borscht.

Remain seated, I'm leaving on a jet plane and not sure who next it'll

that I am again,
But this time it be
Mrs. Melania Trump and you're knot

FLOTUS has not gotten back to my character on this. Didn't figger that she would. There was an animated dog knocking on my door, allegedly looking for Sherman, but meh...I just need another cup of coffee.

Ettu the scammer, when it comes to understanding the contents well.

Yowza.

First, meet whozerwhatzits:

How are you and your family? I am sorry for bagging into your privy.

My name is Miss Eucharia Joshua,20 years old and the only child of my late parents.

I'm seeking for your assistance in retrieval and transfer of my inherited fund to your country,( One Million Eight Hundred Thousand Pounds ),

I wait for your reply for more information you may need regarding the deposit.

God bless you.
Miss Eucharia Joshua

"Bagging into your privy". W...T...F??? Spellcheck *FAIL*

So was her reading this response:

Why are you bagging into my privy if you're sorry? And your proposal is too heavy.

And here's how well she reads:

Thanks for your email message.I sincerely appreciate your response. I would want to respond to you for a better understanding.God bless you.I want to relocate your country with my inheritance for so many reasons. If I stay back here with my inheritance,I can loose my life. I don't want to start explaining anything now, but will have the opportunity to tell you more when we meet.

My uncle are very dangerous individuals, greedy and always wanting more. They took away many things from me since my parent died. The best alternative solution for me is to relocate another country and settle down there, continue my education while you will help me to invest the money in a profitable business.

Please you have to be assured that this transaction is legal and will not bring any problem to you. The money is my inheritance from my late Father.

This transaction involves huge amount of money and there is need for me to know you very well before we proceed further, it is very important to exercise high level of confidence between you and me.

Please send me your complete names and address,telephone number, including a copy of your photograph for recognition. I will give you more details regarding the deposit once I hear from you with the information requested.

The most important thing is that you will help me to invest the money in a profitable business in your country. You will take 20% of the total amount as compensation for your assistance in this transfer.

I hope to hear from you. You should try as much as possible to keep this issue very confidential because it involves huge amount of money.

Please feel free to ask questions where you don't understand well.

Oooookay. It's time again for another of those award winning edits at which I'm still trying to master or mistress:

From: eucharia joshua <euchariajoshua@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, December 4, 2017 11:01 AM
To: PigsflyAllahAir@yahoo.com
Subject:GOOD DAY SUNSHINE..GOOD DAY SUNSHINE...GOOD DAY..F**K THAT

Dearest,

Thanks for your email massage but you missed a spot. I sincerely depreciate your respond. I would want to respond to you God bless you if you sneezed but not if you farted.

I want to relocate your country for so many reasons. Most of them perverse and grotesque. If I stay back here with my inherited collection of sexually abused goats, I can loose my virginity if I understand that word. I don't want to start explaining anything related to inflatable sex toys and how I was busted with a Hellary Clinton one leaving a motel in Chappaqua a month ago, but will have the opportunity to refine my story gooder when we meet.

My uncle are very dangerous individuals, both greedy, schizophrenic and always coming up with more versions of who and what he is. After years of eating Wheaties -- and seeing what it did to Bruce Jenner -- he wants to become Fatima LaDouche and get Time Magazine's "Whoa Man! of the Year" award. Besides eating Wheaties with a grain shovel -- he wants to win that award this year -- he's already removed his Mr. Winkee with a Salad Shooter as a precursor, and now I've never heard his curse so much. It didn't do much for dicing carrots with the Salad Shooter, either.

The best alternative solution for me is to relocate another country and lay it right over the top of this one. It's pretty weird here in Newark.

Please you have to be assured that this transaction is legal and will not bring any problem to you. If you believe that, either you didn't read this or are illiterate like me.

This transaction involves huge amount of monkeys doing unspeakable things with tourist luggage and there is need for me to know you very well before we proceed further. Please send me your picture so I can show it to my goats and see if they think you're okay or resemble that ISIS idiot in Aleppo that molests Yugos.

Please send me your complete names and address,telephone number, including a copy of your photograph for my goats to see if they recognition you. I will give you more details regarding where my uncle shredded his winkee once I hear from you with the information requested.

The most important thing is that you will help me to get rid of the six shipping containers of Hellary Clinton Forward t-shirts that got dumped here mysteriously on November 10 of last year. Nobody wants to wear that sh*t.

I hope to hear from you. You should try as much as possible to keep this issue very confidential because it involves huge amount of dubious antecedence.

Please feel free to ask questions where you don't understand well; I don't either, so between the two of us we'll be equal.

Miss Eucharia Joshua
euchariajoshua@yahoo.com

Someone over there apparently helped Miss Eucharia Joshua to understand gooder:

is you not interest in help me just say that

THAT.

Granted, this will cost me hearing how her schizophrenic uncle's efforts to get named Whoa Man of the Year by Time Ragazine goes, but eh...

There is no shortage of scam pastors out there, in and outside Scamland.

I hear from a goodly number therefrom.

Like this one:

Revival Holy Church.
boulevard, 109 BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Christ ,

I am Pastor Michael and by the Grace of God, Pastor in charge Revival Holy Church here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise. Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very important as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on God's direction. I am also believing that you will not let down this trust as I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo was a full member of our church and was a sincere and devoted Christian too. Due to the trust she had on me as her Pastor, before her sudden death, she revealed to me $9.5.million her late husband Dr.Stephen Dodo deposited in the bank here which he wanted to used on an Oversea Business Projects before his sudden death as was caused by Car Accident. Her Wife Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her sickness. She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreigner who will contact the bank as her late husband Foreign Associate and provide a means of transferring this fund for the future of her only Son . She do not want the money to be invested in this country because of their enemies and also the Condition of our country and instability here in GHANA and West Africa as a whole. Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty ( May her Soul Rest in Peace Amen).

You get the ideer.

I didn't waste any time on the edit.

Actually, yes I did:

From: Pastor Michael Mensah< mrsgracelee200@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, December 11, 2017 10:03 AM
Subject:I Wait For Your Blessed Urgent and Holly Holy Berry Reply

The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men
boulevard, 109 BP 543 Ghana
Accra .

Dearest in Coke bottles dropped from He Who Giveth All Return Deposits,

I am Louie Pastor Michael row the boat ashore, halle berry, and by the Grace of dogma the Pastor in charge of the one, the ONLY, The Royal Horkage of Revival Holy Church Of The Outhouse Monks 'n Mushroom Men here in Ghana Accra. I know that this letter might come to you as a surprise. Sooprise, sooprise, sooprise! Nevertheless, I will like you to treat this matter very holly holy as you can once you receive this message because my contact to you is a divine contact based on Pastor Gas and his timely flatulations from the almighty Coke bottle giver from hence all things peculiar are possumbull which is quite a creature in an octopuses garden in a burkah...in July.

I am also believing that you will not let down this trust even after reading that last sentence six ways from Sunday and not being able to fathom it in enough water to have it go off the sonar. I am quite sure that you are also a believer of the Gospels of Matthew Mark Luke and Duck, from whenst all of Rock Ridge descended into one of the strangest campfire scenes ever shot.

Late Mrs Elizabeth Dodo was a full member of our church and herself came from an extinct and dubious antecedence that enjoyed a miraculous resurgence with the advent of Homer Simpson's catch phrase. Due to the dirt she had on me as her Pastor -- she obtained photos of me leaving a Motel 6 at 3am with an inflatable Hellary Clinton sex toy and a kazoo in late November 2016 -- and subsequent to her sudden death from having an airplane fall on her ox cart during the filming of Airplane IV, she revealed to me that she also had photos of Al Franken groping a Mona Lisa portrait that was never the same after the event. Please see pictotorial evidence marked exhibit 1:

So before she could sue the US Senate Democrapic Committee for not paying her off, her late husband Dr. Stephen Dodo -- no relation to Homer Simpson -- deposited all of Hellary's emails that Wikileaks got their mitts on with help from Russian phrenologists working under the covers in Vaduz, Liechtenstein during the 2012 election while taking payoffs from the Clinton Globull Crimedation. His sudden death was caused by a car accidentally being fallen on by one of Hellary's out of control brooms.

Mrs Elizabeth Dodo revealed this to me in case she did not survive her stunt role in Airplane IV like Julie Haggerty's career after Airplane. She instructed me to make an arrangement with a foreign entity of monk mushroom men from a 1970s obscure script to stand in as her late husband's Foreign Associate Eric Cartman and provide a means of explaining all this without 20/20 showing up at their doorstep with Brian Ross making even more exaggerated claims than he already got popped for. Though we did everything possible, spiritually and physically for her to survive, but behold, it was her time to meet the Almighty because Hellary didn't get elected and someone had to pay.

Her collection of Beatles 45s that only play backwards and make such poignant lyrical declarations as "devil bunnies, devil bunnies..I snort the banana!" are now under my care. You used to be able to get pirated knock offs of this collection from K-Tel and Ronco, but Virgin Records had their cherry popped by Harvey Weinstein and now all you see is Cher with far too much botox and bondo in re-runs.

Please, if this letter touches you in the same way a spiritual monkey was touched by an anvil, and you are willing to guide this monkey to being touched by something far less heavy and metallic, please get back to me immediately so that I will give you more details about therapy options and their associated costs under the Unaffordable Hellthscare Act from 2010 which had a short run on Broadway due to high deductibles.

Canadians simply won't cross the border for that sh*t.

Feel very free to carry on this peculiar email the way some families regift a toxic fruitcake from one generation to the next, until it attacks a virgin sheep herd in Syria during Ramalama-ding-dong.

It is fervently hoped from here that our Virgin Mother Coke bottle from which comes all hard breathing that you will never let me down for directing me to you via Tim Conway and Siamese elephants.

I am sending this mail to you with a Divine Glory of our Lord Privy Seal who performs for fish three times daily at the Renaissance festival in Larkspur. Please can contact me after reading this mail with good faith almond crunch. My primate's email is mrmichaelmensah70@gmail.com but it might not work because my primate is as hard on computers as he is Samsonite luggage.

Gesundloose, in case you sneezed. Tighten that and it will stop.

Pastor Michael Mensah

Amazingly, the good pasture actually responded to this edit:

what is this

It is the spiritual essence of what you sent me, Rev. Don't you recognize your own spiritual intent when you see it?

When put like that, apparently he did.

Amen.

Until this email, I didn't. And I always considered myself a history buff.

What do you know about World War II? If you're like me, you know what you know from history books, lessons and videos.

The good guys won. The bad guys lost. Well, most of the bad guys lost.

Officially, WW II began on September 1, 1939. Officially it ended in September, 1945.

A few years before my time.

Yet, I got an email that said that I won WW-II. More specifically, my email did.

W...T...F???

My first email account was obtained in 1995. Unless it was capable of time travel, I am just not seeing it.

But the email I received says that it and I did.

Here 'tis:

From: CRICKET <bcknew@centurylink.net>
Sent: Sunday, December 10, 2017 1:04 PM
To: Ea
Subject: Re: WW-II

Sent: Sun, 10 Dec 2017 06:59:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: WW-II

Your Email Has Won

Nothing more...just that.

Who knew?

So somehow my email defied time and a good deal of science as we know it, and it won the war.

So all of this:

and this:

and yes..even this:

..all this happened because MY EMAIL won the WAR.

Naturally, I was humbled beyond belief to have so much of the world honoring my email for having done something that it scientifically could not have done, well before I was alive.

Some people are destined for greatness. In my case, not the person...just his email.

*snort*

That was my pet rock, Seymour, a natural geologic skeptic.

At any rate, I simply had to write to the email originator and thank them in my own inimitable manure:

I am pleasantly, albeit dubiously, surprised to learn this. MY email won WW - II? All this time I thought my country had a big part in that. But MY EMAIL won WW - II? Wow. First off, I want to thank the peculiar sequence of events as they could not have happened but apparently did, that make the impossible possible. Winston Churchill was wrong: so much is owed by so many to..my email.

Turns out, whoever writes and edits the emails there had a rather epic *FAIL*, as this was the reply I got:

do not be silly. your email won a BMW. Please fill out the informations below.

A car? A f**king CAR??? My email won a f**king CAR????

Your email said that MY EMAIL won WW - II. Not a f**king car. My email does not have driving privileges. What the f**k do you think you're doing awarding a f**king car to my email??? WTF do you think you're playing at??? Do you realize how much gawdamned trouble I went to, rewriting the history books and castigating my former history teachers because of you and your email??? This was all about a f**king car????? What's the MATTER with you???????

Actually, we all know the answer to my last question. But we'll never get an answer from the scammer. He no wanna play no mores.

*Sigh*...for a moment there, I thought I had some truly historic email here. The email that bested Schicklgruber, Mussolini and Tojo. What a story I could have had to tell my nieces and nephews.

Then again, meh...they already think I'm crazy enough.

Now Vivian Hates Country Music Too

The FBI Gets Thinged

Illiteracy Sucks

Swiss Swing 'n A Miss

I Was An Email Recipient Of The FBI

A Dictator's Atturkey Wants Paid

Talking Desks Lose Every Time

They Didn't Dream of This...

And On THAT Note...

Them Negative Waves Still Ain't Makin' It

The Pet Rock vs Kim Jong Un in 2018 - I

In Accordance With Editing

A Tale of Two Buttons

Secret Scamming Man

A Fake Missile Alert Triggers...A Fecal Tsunami?

Some Government officials overreact

How does the military track missile launches?

What will state officials do now?

Melania Trump Wants To Give Me Money

Contents Aren't So Well Understood

Feline Friday?

Email Scams Are Nine-Tenths the Problem

Who Knew?